Bonne Année!

Today is the last day of 2010.

2010 was CONSIDERABLY better than 2009, but it was a year of struggles, of hard lessons, of finding God in dark places and recognizing the blessings that seem to pass by me unnoticed.

2010 was the year I got my husband back from war.

It's been a year of enlightenment; of learning more about myself and about my God.

It was a year of stepping out of my circumstances and praising the God that IS faithful even when I do NOT deserve it.

It will also be a year of (admittedly sporadic) blogging as of January 6! Doesn't seem like it's been that long...

As I've been unintentionally referring to it in conversation, I'm considering 2011 to be a year of hope. I'm entering this year hopeful and optimistic. I'm not letting my situations define me or control me. I will continue to delve deeper into God's living Word and learn even more about the hope we have in Christ, the best hope of all. I am determined to live with HOPE instead of feeling so hopeless.

I hope you all enjoy the ringing in of the new year!

Après la pluie, le beau temps.

I do believe it's about time to have a post about some of the great things happening in our lives at the moment!

The biggest thing to have happened this month was the official clearing of any and all punishment for Sam!!! Since he has been adhering to a strict therapy regimen with no added incidents, they have decided to let him off free and clear. (However, that does not mean changes that have been implemented because of this are going away.) Praise God! Not only is he not going to be receiving any punishment, it's looking like he will be getting a promotion within the next MONTH or two!! The relief that I have been feeling since this was officially announced Friday has just been incredible. I've been preparing for a financial hardship, and now will not only NOT have to deal with that, but will be getting an increase in our pay as well! Praise God once again!

Second, we were very seriously blessed by some readers of my blog with the gift of a washer and dryer (awhile back now)! It may sound silly to some, but the mere presence of these two big items has dramatically improved the feeling of HOME in this house. This was something completely unexpected to me. I had primarily wanted it solely for the fact of not having to lug giant bags of clothes and uniforms to the laundromat, especially when it was hard enough juggling having only 1 car. Now I'm able to slowly do the laundry throughout the weekend and still spend time with my husband! I don't like to use the word 'blessing' lightly, but this really has been SUCH a blessing! (Thank you again so very much :) )

Third, I got a job!! After months of having nothing to do, I am finally employed in a job that I was looking for. Although it's turning out to be much more of a challenge than I was expecting, I still am so very thankful to have the opportunity to give of myself, hopefully bless others and, obviously, add to our income (which as an E4 could always use some boosting :P).

I tend to complain and rant a lot in here, but I wanted to make sure to make my blessings known as well! We're still trudging along in this journey of infertility, but I can't help but continue to have high hopes. I'm now at the point where I feel relatively confident bringing it up to a medical professional, it's just getting myself to get over this fear and actually MAKE the appointment. I don't know if I'm afraid to have my worst fears confirmed or if I'm afraid of being brushed off like I have so many times before, but I've just been terrified to make this appointment. I don't know if I can truly handle being told I'm fine and to 'relax and it will happen' one more time... However, I am thankful in some ways for this experience. It has definitely shown me where my priorities lie, and where they really SHOULD be lying (with God). It has brought Sam and I together even more. I've also learned so much more about myself and about my God. I refuse to walk away from this having learned nothing! I do plan on approaching a doctor about this, but I have really released control of this to God. I firmly believe in His ultimate timing, after all He truly has yet to let me down. Part of me is very glad I was not pregnant for the experiences we've had over the summer and the fall, and I know His hand was in that completely. I just hope everything is alright with my health and that someday I will have the opportunity to not only give birth, but be able to be a mother, all in God's perfect timing :)

Veteran's Day

I have to confess, something I've learned about being a military wife is that it is VERY easy to become resentful and bitter. It is easy to blame your husband for your sometimes crappy circumstances. It is easy to become angry with him for the crazy hours. And during deployments, all of these things can easily become amplified. I've recently been struggling with blame. As some know, Sam volunteered to be moved to a unit that was deploying to Iraq just a few months out of training. When he told me, devastated doesn't quite encompass all that I was feeling. Why would he VOLUNTEER??? Why would he leave the comfortable rear-detachment unit (the part of the unit that is left home while the rest is deployed somewhere) with easy hours and no deployment for at least 3-4 YEARS??? We were very newly married! Didn't he want to spend that time with me? Luckily, with God on my side, we made it through that deployment relatively unscathed and in a better position than we started out. However, also as most of you know, Sam returned home with a lot more than I was anticipating. It has been a struggle. We are still struggling and will probably continue to struggle with this for quite awhile, but praise God things are at least on an upswing. But I find myself thinking some not so nice things about Sam. How could he push me to such lengths for a deployment that HE volunteered for, and now brings me back all of this to deal with? It just didn't seem fair! Last night I had a dream so vivid it's really given me a renewed sense of perspective (just in time for Veteran's day oddly enough). In my dream Sam was on his next deployment (which is set for this time next year...) and was KIA (killed in action). When I found out, I was CRUSHED. However, shortly after, I found out I had a choice. I had the choice to keep him here with me where he could interact, but would be more like a spirit than the husband I had before. Or, I could let him go to be where he's supposed to and accept that he's with God and doing something more important. In my dream I honestly couldn't decide. I wanted my husband so badly, but I knew he was needed elsewhere. When I woke up with tears running down my face, I just had to sit for a second to absorb what just happened. Of course aspects of it are very dream-like, but I firmly believe I was being told something. My husband is a soldier. I believe God's plan for Sam IS for him to be a soldier. As a soldier, Sam has committed to protect our country, even at the cost of his family and potentially even his life. Sam truly does want to make an impact and help in any way that he can with this career. Why it is so easy to forget these things, I don't know. But today I woke up feeling the same thing I felt the morning after his homecoming, a deep and sincere appreciation solely for his presence next to me. I am extremely proud of my husband. I appreciate everything he has done and is still doing for me and for our country. His selflessness never ceases to amaze me. I am in love with and forever thankful for my veteran! Although I am HARDLY looking forward to him deploying again within a year, especially since it still feels like he just got back (even though it's been 8 months), I know God has a plan for each tour he does and I will continue to pray and support Sam even if it is less than ideal for me.

Chat échaudé craint l'eau froide.

So I've written plenty about letting go of control in many aspects of my life so God can do many of the things He wants to do. Now my biggest lesson has been letting go of the past. Why we as humans so easily cling on to a past of hurt, shame and fear I really have no idea, but we do. At least I do. I'm also VERY good at holding a lifetime grudge. I like to blame part of this on my impeccable memory making it very difficult to forgive and move on, but I know that's not what it really is. In my Bible study, one of the devotional stories was about a little girl who fell off the bed and cut her leg. When the mother came running to help, the little girl clung on to her cut and looked at her mother with frightened eyes that were saying "don't come any closer!" The best way for the little girl to be helped would obviously be to remove her hand and let her mother help, but her fear keeps her clinging to her wound. I thought that was an amazing visual of exactly what I'm doing. For some reason I cannot remove the hand and allow myself to be healed. If I'm honest with myself, I think it's because I can't see anything I've done as forgivable. I have asked God for forgiveness, but I have not been able to forgive myself and let God throw it in the great big sea of forgetfulness He has solely for our forgiven sins. The woman I am today is NOT the girl I used to be. If my 13, 14 or 15 year old self saw me now, I would not recognize myself. So why is this so hard for me?? I do have reason to be depressed, bitter and cautious, because I have not had a life of sunshine and happiness, but I don't WANT to be and I don't want to let those things bring me to that point. Nothing will be forgotten, because they are all things that have made me stronger and a better person than I was before, but I NEED to release them and hand them over to God. I need to stop treating myself as if I still was that child. I need to forgive myself because God has forgiven me. I need to stop caring about what I think everyone expects me to be and realize that everyone has that something they're not so proud of as well. I need to accept my failures, learn from them and move on instead of dwelling in them. I need to realize that only Jesus was perfect, and I can never be. Most important of all, I need to let go of my stupid pride and allow myself to be transparent. That's not to say I need to give a detailed story of events to any person on the street who asks "how are you?", but I need to stop attempting to apply the face of perfection I have convinced myself is expected of a Christian. I need to LET PEOPLE IN. This is EXTREMELY difficult for me, but any time I do I feel better for it. Especially when there's an opportunity to help someone by doing it.

The other aspect of letting go I have great difficulty with is letting go of past wrongs. When people hurt me, I do not forget. I do not forget exactly what they said, where they said it, and when it was said. When these memories pop into my thoughts, I relive every bit of that hurt as if it was the moment itself. I kid you not, I can still remember all the people who hurt in me in kindergarten. I think because of that, I have an extremely hard time forgiving those people. I dwell in anger from injustice until I get some sort of closure from them. I know this is not right. Just as God has forgiven me, so I need to forgive others. Just like letting go of my own sins, I need to let go of these sins upon me by others. I need to realize that those events should not still control my actions. If I continue to live with the fear of the exact same thing happening all over again, I will continue to hide in self isolation to avoid it at all cost, which forces me to miss out on some really great opportunities. I need to trust that God knows what happened, and He has either forgiven them as well or His righteous justice will play out. I need to trust that He IS the all-sufficient one and He's got my back. I need to learn from these events and move on!

"And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." Mark 11:25

On a side note, I realized I haven't been explaining a lot of my post titles. For any french speaking person, you probably already know what they are, but I remember a lot of old french proverbs I know and I try to use ones that are applicable to the post that I am planning on writing. This one, for example, is "A scalded cat fears cold water" which is like our saying "Once bitten, twice shy". As I was typing the title, I thought I should probably clarify.

En tout pays, il y a une lieue de mauvais chemins.

God has really been presenting me with a lot of things this month. These things include cultivating meaningful relationships, preventing self isolation (and in turn complete self absorption...) and using the 'mountains' in my life to come closer to Him. Oddly enough, all of these had also been themes in my Bible study... and seem to be popping up in almost ever aspect of my life. (God knows He has to be completely upfront about His will for me, I'm a little slow.) As I've said in the last who-knows-how-many posts, I'm having a rough patch in my life right now. Between my dislike for my location, my difficulty with fertility (as eluded to in this post), my lack of fulfillment from being just a housewife and my overall feeling of isolation, it has been a period of transition, of growth and of struggle. I came to a point where I truly just did not understand what God was doing to me! But then it hit me, it's not Him. He is always faithful. However, I am rather impatient, stubborn, proud, self absorbed, and the list goes on... Instead of being proactive and actively searching for His will for me, I sit dwelling in my own self pity wondering when things will happen for me. Unfortunately this is a real nasty side effect of depression (not that it's overly pleasant to deal with as it is). When I become depressed, I shut down and shut everything out. Maybe it was because expressing emotions was considered an awkward event in my household, maybe it is my pride, but for whatever reason I have a VERY hard time reaching out to people when I am in need. The only right thing I do is reach out, no, cry out to God. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18 And boy is it true, because those really are the moments where I am overwhelmed by His awesomeness. Those moments make the despair worth it, but I thought to myself what can I do to prevent suffer and despair for problems my mind has blown completely out of proportion? How can I stop pushing people out of my life, and indulge in the fellowship that we as humans need? How can I set myself free from this self isolation? By turning to God in the first place and having FAITH in Him. Calling out to Him and praising Him in times of good and bad. As we talked about in my group, everyone has and will always have 'mountains', the bumps along the road, the things that cause us grief, it's how we USE those mountains and what we turn to that really matter. I'm more than aware of how God uses mountains to draw you closer than ever. However, my reaction and my perspective of these mountains in my life right now is hardly conducive to spiritual growth. I need to start turning to Him and truly letting go of my burdens instead of grasping onto them and trying to do it myself. I need to learn to trust: trust Him as well as others. I need to train my perspective and look at problems with a faithful hope instead of catastrophizing everything as I so often do. I need to pray for others and find more opportunities to serve instead of getting trapped in a rut of 'me me me me me'. I need to keep my temper in check, it really doesn't help anything. I need to be THANKFUL and count my blessing instead of my shortcomings. I need to stop comparing myself to everyone else. I need to be who God wants me to be instead of who I think (think being the key word here) everyone else wants me to be.

My faith has been a very recent work in progress, and I now sincerely hope it stays in progress because I never want to become stagnant. I used to think my Christian friends were these amazing super humans who had it 100% together and I thought because I was not even remotely close, I had no hope. In reaching out, I have learned that I am not even remotely alone in this, because those super humans do not exist. God isn't asking me to be perfect. God isn't asking me to follow every ritual, know every song, or know every word in the Bible by memory. All He wants is my heart.

On a side note, I am very excited that this month is coming to a close. There's still plenty of things coming up for us, but I will be ready to just settle for a little and let all of this craziness be over. Sam's erratic schedule from going back and forth with field training ALL MONTH has been a lot more draining than 2 straight weeks away from home. Next weekend we are moving into our house, and although I am VERY excited for this, I've also been putting off packing thinking of all the stresses that come with moving (again....). Since Sam is pretty much not able to help, I'm left to do it by myself for the 4th time in the past 2 years. Luckily it is a local move and there are no time constraints! I fully intend to take my time, unless my excitement takes over and I just do it all.

Contenment.

As I mentioned in my last post, I've been struggling to let go of control, trust that God has me where He needs me to be and finding ways to be content with where I am. But seriously, when I say struggling, I really mean struggling. I've never been a huge fan of El Paso for many reasons, but I swear I'm finding more and more reasons everyday. My recent issue is my diet. I've been trying SO hard to find moderately adequate (at best...) produce. Unfortunately, I am living in the desert. We don't HAVE in season produce because no produce can successfully grow here. So I'm left relying on grocery stores, and I cringe to say, the sorry produce at the commissary on base. Relying on those things are not the worst thing, but I know what homegrown fruits and vegetables taste like, and the bitter, rock hard fruits and wilted, aged vegetables are so far from it I tend to be forced to skip the produce aisle altogether. The worst part is, I don't know if there really is a solution, unless I drive a day either way and hope to find some green farm land. It just makes me sad reading all the articles about buying grass-fed meats and eating fresh, locally grown produce just knowing that I literally have no options unless I plan to spend more than I can afford, or drive hours to find options, which is also something I really can't afford. I wish someone would write a blog about eating and living naturally in the desert :(

Although this is a legitimate issue that is bothering, it really comes down to my location. My dad once told me that your location has nothing to do with your happiness, but I severely disagree. I understand what he meant, you'll always find faults in places and you need to find happiness within yourself, but El Paso has GOT to be the exception. No good food, very few things to do, and completely isolated for miles and MILES, among many things. I feel so STUCK. I literally have to remind myself everyday why I am here. I'm here because I made a vow to support my husband and follow him wherever the Army may take him. For better or for worse, right? El Paso is definitely one of those 'worse' moments, but I really am trying to take everything I can from it.

Which brings me to the less whiny part of the post (because I'm determined to always write something hopeful). I have started coming to the conclusion that maybe God is using these situations to give me a better understanding of all the things I had that I never appreciated before. Ever since we moved up to Minnesota from Alabama I wanted nothing more than to move away. My entire adolescent years were spent planning my escape. I ridiculed all those planning to stay. Now here I am, about as far from that state as you can probably get in this country, and I want absolutely nothing more than to go back. I miss the weather (yes, even the winters), I miss the green, I miss the farm lands and good food, I miss all the things to do, I miss the people, and not just my friends and family (but don't get me wrong, I miss them TERRIBLY) but I miss the Midwestern friendliness! You never know what you have until it's gone, right? I know I keep saying this, but I have to remind even myself to try and find something, anything, that I can learn from my experiences. God has a plan for me, and God is always faithful. I may not like where I am right now, I may not like waiting, I may not like a lot of things, but God's plans are always in my best interest. God's will is not to trick me, deceive me or drag me through bad situations just because. God knows what He's doing, and He knows what I need way before I know it. He has shown me what He can do time and time again, yet I still can't let go of that control. I may not be happy, but I am dead set and determined to find joy in His plan (yes even here in El Paso...), that way in the future, I can look back with fondness and remember what I was able to learn.

Patience.

If asked, I would never claim that I am a patient person, although I would tell you that I can be more patient than some. I'm willing to let someone in front of me while driving, I'm willing to wait a little longer than expected without causing a fuss, and I'm willing to do things I consider courteous and patient. Little did I truly know how impatient I am! I've never considered myself spoiled because I never expected things, but I did generally get everything I wanted almost as soon as I wanted it. I rarely had to work for things, wait for things, especially things I wanted SO badly. Now that I'm confronted with something I want more than almost anything, I find myself horribly impatient and just flat out upset that I'm not just getting it. I get really disappointed with myself, yet I just can't help but want to scream, kick and whine about not getting what I want! It's especially hard when it seems like everyone else is getting the thing I want, even if they didn't necessarily want it. God is rarely early, but never late, right? If this is His will like I thought it was, He is MORE than capable of making it work out. So why do I still find myself doubting Him??? Why do I still worry if it's EVER going to happen? Why do I doubt that whatever plan He has chosen for me will be the best plan for me? Ahh the sinful nature of the human! Although I sunk into quite a depression this past weekend, I'm trying to come out of this as positive and hopeful as possible. As our theme was for today at VBS, God gives us hope!

Ultimately, I think this comes down to an issue I posted about before, which is letting go of control. I am most definitely a control freak. I need things to go how I want, when I want, exactly as I want. Little by little I have been letting go of things, but I still cling to that control for dear life. Luckily we have a God who loves us and has every intention of taking great care of us when we live following His will. With that, I leave you with a verse. It's a popular one, but it's one I look to frequently for reassurance :)

" So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

Hypocrisy.

This is a very touchy subject, and I hesitated to write about it, but it's been weighing heavy on my heart. My sister recently went to a church camp with a friend (I'm not sure of the name) and came back crying telling my mom "I have a one-way ticket to Hell". She said because my parents are divorced, because our family hasn't regularly attended church and a whole list of other things, she had no chance of redemption. She also told me they were bashing other Christian denominations saying they were so skewed in their thinking that they would have a hard time finding redemption. I have to tell you, it's attitudes like this that originally turned me off from any organized religion. Now I have to do damage control with my sister, who I've been struggling to help accept God at all, because of these people.

My question is, how can these people call themselves Christian? Isn't being a Christian following the teachings of Christ and following His ways? Did Jesus not die to forgive ALL of our sins? I am one who thoroughly believes that God does not forgive us based on ANYTHING we do. Of course we need to follow God's commandments, but we're all sinners. Jesus was the ultimate sacrificial lamb to forgive us of our sins. It's not about who can do more charity work, who can pray more than anyone else, or who has the most 'perfect' life. Striving to do your best at all of those things is important, but Christianity is not a competition. The only way to redemption is through Jesus. When one accepts Jesus into their hearts, they generally tend to DESIRE to do all of those things, especially if it's God's calling for that individual. Daily denying one's self becomes more and more of an opportunity than an obligation. Aside from that, however, redemption is not by our works alone, or by how we have lived our lives thus far, it's by seeking Jesus and asking His forgiveness. So who are these people to cast out and humiliate my sister when she came looking to learn more about Jesus? I by no means think that I am a perfect follower, because I KNOW I'm not. Call me a hypocrite for calling them a hypocrite if you must, but I sincerely feel denying, isolating and making someone feel they can never been forgiven or redeemed is very wrong.

The more I write, the more I become upset, so I leave you with scripture and a request for your opinions!

"Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God." Romans 15:7

"All that the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away." John 6:37

"For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross. Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation— if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven, and of which I, Paul, have become a servant." Colossians 1:19-23

Je suis désolé.

Although I have been keeping up with other blogs, I have been neglecting my own blog and realized it has been over a month since I've posted anything. It's partially due to the fact that I haven't had a whole lot of inspiration with topics and it's partially due to my laziness.

The theme for this past month for me, oddly enough, has been spiritual warfare. I don't have the first hand experience, but I have seen first hand the result of a battle worn soldier. No matter what context, war is never a good thing. I think the majority of the Christian world likes to ignore this part of being a Christian, but we are in the middle of the battle field. "You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father's desire. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies." - John 8:44 It's a very unpleasant thought, it's something I don't like to dwell on because I prefer to dwell on the greatness of God ( I mean who doesn't???), but it's something that cannot be ignored. In retrospect, it's amazing how much I did let Satan and the world control my life, my thoughts and my actions. When I would hear prayer, Jesus' name, ANYTHING to do with God I would quickly become uncomfortable. I have done a lot of things I very deeply regret, and although I take full personal responsibility for my actions, I can truly see the hand of darkness guiding me during those times. The worst part is, I welcomed it. Time and time again I welcomed it with open arms. There are so many things in this world that Satan is able to use as a foothold. When you open the door to sin, even just to peer inside, Satan and his demons will claw that door open wide and force themselves into your life. I've seen him destroy lives from the inside, out. I hear his lies on a daily basis coming from people of the world. I hear his lies coming out of my own mouth. For the longest time, I thought the only thing I could do was hide and play defense against his forces. However, I've been recently growing more empowered to start taking on offensive positions. "I have given you authority to trample on snakes and scorpions and to overcome all the power of the enemy; nothing will harm you" -Luke 10:19 God has given us 'supernatural' powers. I hate using that word solely because of the context the world has given it, but it's true. Because of Christ, we ALL hold the spirit of God within us. By submitting our hearts to Him, we have been granted so much more than we can even fathom. It's very easy for me to get overwhelmed by the darkness in the world. My heart breaks for all those who are completely spiritually blind, and I have a tendency to dwell in the heart break (I've learned I'm a very empathetic person). BUT: "When Jesus spoke again to the people, He said, 'I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.'" -John 8:12. Just one light can overcome darkness. Sitting in a dark room, even just a sliver of light cuts through darkness. We have so much more than just a sliver of light, we have the light of the world.

The threat of Satan is REAL and it can be manifested in more ways than we can imagine. It may not be my place to talk about it, but there is someone very close to me having serious struggles on the spiritual battlefield. Satan is attacking his thoughts, his dreams, and any aspect of this person's life he possibly can. If anyone has ever experienced anything even close to this, you'll know how heart wrenching it is to stand back and watch. I truly believe God has been bringing all of these verses and all of the discussion in my Bible study to tell me I have the power to do more than just stand back and watch through Him. I plan to take a more offensive stand in my home. I plan to make a healing environment where Satan has no footholds. I refuse to allow him to break down this person's life.

Sorry once again if this is all over the place. I'm still working out the art of expression... It's hard to put to words everything in my head in a coherent way that flows together. However, I leave you with this...

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints." - Ephesians 6:10-18

What to do...

I've been having a hard time lately with my home. Every little thing has just been bugging me lately. Not having a place to put things, not knowing what would look good, what random piece of furniture might look best where, not having enough space, and more importantly, lacking any and all creativity to even begin to know what to do with a space I have no control over. It's driving me crazy! I don't have a job, I can't find a job, nor do I have kids which makes now the perfect (and potentially only) opportunity to really work at this. I have to say, I am proud of what Sam and I have accomplished. When we got married, we literally started with nothing but a blow up mattress, a chair and an end table originally used for camping... We lacked the advantage many other couples have with a wedding shower. I'm trying to continuously keep that in perspective when I look at my home, but I still feel we're falling behind the curve. I just don't know what to do! I can't find rest in my home anymore. I finally feel like an adult, but I feel like everything else is trailing behind. My home makes me feel like I'm still an adolescent with a disheveled mess, hand-me-down mismatching furniture, and a need to re-arrange priorities or something. I suspect part of this is my perfectionism, my OCD and my new-found desire to live like the adult I feel I am. Part of it, I'm sure, is also from my addiction to home-making blogs and TV shows... Is it wrong of me to long for a place I can come home to and feel at peace? Sam really doesn't care, he would be plenty happy with a complete mess, but I still feel like I'm letting him down as a wife. It IS my job. I feel like I should be providing a nice place for him to come home to, and I'm failing miserably.

Another part of this is my complete and utter displeasure with renting apartments. I'm so sick of apartments! The very little creativity and ideas I do have isn't allowed. I'm sick of being limited. I'm sick of hearing every single footstep, noise and movement all around me. I'm sick of being woken up constantly throughout the night by rude neighbors, cars driving by in the parking lot and maintenance men using leaf blowers at 8 AM... I'm sick of constantly worrying about finding a parking spot when I come home with a load of groceries. I'm ESPECIALLY sick of having to take my dogs outside to go in the rocks. I want to give them grass! I want a space of my own to express myself, a place I can go for quiet, (hopefully) a place I can actually sleep in through the night. It's just another one of those 'big girl steps' I feel like I'm missing out on. Sam and I are ready to buy a house, but not knowing how long we're going to be in one location on top of a horrible housing market is preventing us from getting to do so.

All of this has left me feeling anxious. I was excited to have Sam home again because I thought it would finally feel like we weren't in transition anymore, but we're just in another step of transition. I hate having to force things to wait, things I so desperately want, because I'm waiting for ______(insert event here)______ to happen. I can truly empathize with the Israelites wandering the desert for 40 years wondering when things will ever be stable. I sincerely hope I don't complain, second guess, and disobey God as often, but I suspect that might not be so. I don't consider myself an impatient person, but I've learned I'm not particularly a patient person either. I have never truly known stability, but I'm not used to this level of instability.

(I do apologize, I know this post is very scattered, but I had to organize my thoughts even a tiny bit.)

Q& A About Open Adoption

Melanie (Isabelle's mom) recently did a post (here) listing some questions she frequently gets asked about our rather unique situation. She suggested that I should probably do the same, and I couldn't agree more!

Why did we choose adoption/open adoption?

I don't think it takes a whole lot of explanation as to why we chose adoption. Sam was 18 years old, fresh out of high school, JUST about to head off to boot camp for the Army, and let's be honest, still a teen-aged boy. I was 15(/16) years old, just about to start my junior year of high school, living with my parents, plans to go to college and still a teen-aged girl. Although we were generally considered the mature ones of our peers, we were still just kids ourselves, not even remotely ready to raise a child. As most birth mothers will tell you, although those reasons have a big impact, that's definitely NOT the reason that pushes a couple to adoption. I couldn't do that to Isabelle. Could we have made it work? Maybe. But I didn't want to have to 'make it work'. I wanted to give her a loving and stable home with parents who were actually ready to raise a child. I wanted her to have every single opportunity open to her. I wanted her to have EVERYTHING, and that is something I truly couldn't offer at 16 years old.

So after we decided that adoption was the best plan, we chose to do an open adoption. Sam was adopted, and having had the experience of growing up as an adopted child, he informed me of a lot of the complications, confusion, and other issues that commonly go along with other adopted children. I REALLY wanted to avoid that. Plus I don't think I would have been able to go through with the adoption if I had absolutely no opportunity to be involved in her life even a little bit. I desperately wanted her to know that she was LOVED, not abandoned. When we were introduced to this relatively new idea of open adoption, we just knew it was the way to go.

Isn't it hard seeing her with a different family?

It's really not. The very first visit after Isabelle was born, I was admittedly nervous about how I would take that. After getting to their house, feeding her and holding her, then handing her off, it was much less of an issue than I had thought it would be. What most people don't understand is that with adoption comes a grieving process, because although she is still alive, it is a loss. We waited awhile to see her after she was born in order to give her a chance to settle in with her family, as well as to give Sam and I a chance to grieve. We came to a point where we accepted our role as her birth parents, we accepted John and Melanie as her parents and honestly that was that. I don't feel awkward, I don't feel jealous, and it really isn't hard for me seeing her call them mom and dad.

Do you ever regret your decision?

I definitely do not. I will never regret choosing adoption. However, I would be lying if I said I never thought about what life would be like had I chosen to keep her. I think a lot about what we could have done to make it possible to keep her. It's increased a bit now that Sam and I are married and in a stable enough situation to start considering having children. I never once thought that I made the wrong decision though. Just because things are great now, doesn't mean they would be great if we had chosen differently. Choosing adoption really is a selfless option. It's about looking beyond yourself, beyond what you're feeling and beyond what you're deeply desiring. As ANY parent knows, there really is a change of perspective, you start thinking about what's best for your kids. How could I regret a decision that puts Isabelle's well-being as the #1 priority? Isabelle has a GREAT life, we love John and Melanie and I don't think that little girl could be any more loved.

What was it like meeting John and Melanie for the first time?

Sam and I were both very nervous. They weren't randomly selected for us, we chose them from a GIGANTIC pile of profiles of families looking to adopt, so we did know a little bit about them, but it's still very nervous meeting someone (especially the family you're about to give your child away to) for the first time. The meeting was facilitated by our social workers at the adoption agency who were there to break the ice, remind us of questions we might want to ask and to give support if needed. We were all a little quiet at first, but after a few minutes we realized they really were the older (but of course not old ;) ) versions of ourselves and that was that. We knew they were right, we knew it was absolutely no coincidence that we chose them out of hundreds of other families, and I don't know about Sam, but I felt a LOT more comfortable with the whole adoption at that point. After that first meeting we were still talking. A few days before our little girl was born, Sam and I went to their house to see the very VERY pink room that was completely ready for her, had some pizza and just got to know each other even more. Sam and I have been extremely blessed to have them in our life and we are beyond thankful for the very unique relationship we have with Isabelle and her family.

(Sam and I during the visit before she was born)

What if you change your mind now? Are you able to take her back?

No. Not only would I not want to do that, I legally am not able to. Of course I love her with all my heart, but I relinquished my role as mother and took on the role as birth mother. She grew in my womb, I gave birth to her, but she is not MY daughter. There is no such thing as a temporary adoption, which is why it's such an important decision you have to be SURE you're ready to make. (However, after giving birth, with fos-adopt the potential family is allowed to have the baby, but if you change your mind within a certain time frame, you are able to get your baby back). Adoption is the best decision we could have made. Sam and I are Sam and Lauren (although she's been calling us 'the birth parents') who come to visit, play with her, dote on her and spoil her even more. We're extremely lucky to even get that opportunity. I have no desire to compete with Melanie for the role of mother because I am confident in my choice and I have accepted my role.

What are the 'rules' of your open adoption?

Open adoption is a completely voluntary choice made by both the adoptive family and the birth parents. Each and every open adoption is different because everyone has different opinions and comfort levels. Before Isabelle was born we made up a 'contract' specifying levels of contact, visits, etc. We originally set ours up for a visit once a month with as many e-mails and pictures as we want. We made it very flexible because we were fortunate enough to be extremely comfortable with each other. The contact was really more of something to lean back on if any issues were to arise. It gives protection for the birth parents and the adoptive family. We aren't exactly following through with our original agreement due to changes in circumstances (Sam being in the Army getting a special allotment of leave days, along with 1600 miles separation, makes once a month visits very difficult) but we see her as often as possible and contact is consistent. Another sub-topic for this question is whether or not she stays with Sam and I. Not only would that be extremely complicated with the distance (1600 miles from El Paso to Minnesota...) adoption is not like a divorce. We do not have joint custody.

What does Isabelle think about the adoption? Does she know who you are?

Had you asked me this a year ago, I would have told you that she doesn't fully understand the situation. Sam and I were just Sam and Lauren who came to see her a lot. However, as of not too long ago, she is more aware of the situation than we were expecting at 5 years old... Melanie was beginning to explain that I gave birth to her (in 5 year old terms of course), but she was still her mom. Apparently she was able to put two and two together MUCH faster than we were expected and has NOT been afraid to let us know just how much she understands. I partially blame it on age and lack of true understanding, but she has been asking to "go home" with me (of course generally after being disciplined, nice try Izzy). She's also recently been calling Sam and I "the birth parents". Does she have a formulated opinion on everything? Probably not yet. Does she understand to a degree who I am? Yes. Open adoption is still relatively new, so everything we're doing and every step we're taking really doesn't have a whole lot of advice behind it. I'm excited and a bit nervous to see where everything leads in the future.

On a side not, I never would have accepted or understood then just how much God had led us through the entire process, but in retrospect it's completely undeniable. God put Isabelle into my life when He did for a reason (as He always does of course). Having her got me off of a very self destructive path and it unified Sam and me. He left no doubt for either of us that John and Melanie were the right choice for Isabelle. God has done so many amazing things for both of us, even when we weren't acknowledging Him. What an amazing God we have that gives so much despite ourselves!

Set-Apart Femininity

So my friend Amy had posted on her blog about this book, and I got excited and thought to myself "that's definitely something I should read". While staying at their house up in Minnesota, I got a chance to do so. I picked it up and read it within 2 days, I could NOT put it down. It is a lot to absorb, but once I sat and reflected and prayed about what I had read, my heart almost burst with excitement and love for my Lord! It's made me re-evaluate almost everything I had thought about Christianity and my role as a woman in Christ. I STRONGLY recommend any woman who believes and accepts Christ as her savior to read this book, and then read it again. If you would classify your belief as lukewarm, then you might not be ready to read this. It touches upon the modern Christian fitting beliefs around the world and around themselves instead of truly devoting our hearts and our LIVES to Him.

It really stirred up something in me that has been sitting dormant. God has made it very clear what role He has set for me. How these opportunities will present themselves, I'm not entirely sure, but I do know what's coming. I don't want to be a lukewarm, "average" Christian. I want people to look at me and see God's radiance flowing out of me. I want to know that I am giving my ALL in life to spreading His word and caring for those who are in need. As I mentioned in another post, I'm a nurturer. God has brought out such a strong maternal desire in my heart (something I would have cringed at even just a year ago...). I know that I'm to raise my children to be strong warriors in Christ, and not just raise them, but expose them to the world and harbor a deep passion for giving to others in their hearts. If you had told me my role would almost solely be "mother" I would have laughed. I had never desired to be a stay at home mom at ANY point in my life. I barely wanted kids! Maybe it was because I never truly understood the importance of raising children with strong morals, maybe it was because I had drastically different plans for myself, or maybe it was because although I believed in God, I was truly following Him. Whatever the reason, I looked at stay at home moms as a lazy and almost sexist existence to be 'chained at home'. I partially blame society's new pressure on women to go against everything we've done for centuries as well as the lack of respect and appreciation for family. I am admittedly moderately anti-feminist in many ways, but that's beside the point. I now see and appreciate the importance of raising your children. However, the part that excites me is the fact that God wants me to step up and do even MORE for my children! God wants me to show them the world! How can I not be excited??? I don't even have children yet, nor am I pregnant, but I can't stop thinking about it!

Lastly, I really enjoyed what she had to say about marriage. I have to share this...

"A well-known training program for Christian college students has a special emphasis on marriage and family preparation. They focus on helping young people take 'realistic' expectations into marriage so that they don't become disillusioned when wedded bliss isn't everything they thought it would be. It's rather ironic if you think about it. Here is a group of Christian young people who have spent their entire life hearing that they should save sex until marriage. Christian leaders have always told them 'your marriage will be so much better if you wait!' And now the same people who heralded the many merits of 'waiting' are cautioning them not to get their hopes up for a 'happily ever after' love story... We see the dismal marriages so prevalent in our parents' generation, and we begin to wonder whether there really is anything worth waiting for after all... The Christian community constantly howls to the public about protecting the sanctity of marriage. Meanwhile Christian marriages are failing at the same rate as the rest of the world... Christian marriages should be the example to the rest of the world, demonstrating that following God's ways brings abundant life, joy, peace, and supernatural victory. Instead, we are training our young people to take dismal expectations into marriage and cautioning them not to get their hopes up too high." (pg 175-6)

I couldn't agree more! I think marriage, for some Christians and non-believers, has become a complete joke. Fickleness and divorce has become completely acceptable. It's almost understandable why so many young people choose multiple, meaningless sexual encounters over a committed marriage relationship when THAT is the message we're giving even to Christian young people! She goes on to discuss that the biggest problem in the majority of failing marriages is the message of selfishness we deem acceptable. She talks about the popular message of guarding ourselves from our husbands so we aren't let down. What kind of a message IS that? It absolutely feeds into our selfish nature, but it almost entirely negates the whole point of a marriage. As a wife we are asked to SERVE our husbands. I know I've talked about this before, but it's no less true now than it was then. Many modern women CRINGE at that statement. "'I don't think you need to refer to yourself as Eric's servant,' said one woman. 'It sounds so demeaning. You aren't his slave, you know. You still have your own life.' Other women agreed. 'I think you are taking it too far,' they told me. 'Of course you want to help him and honor him, but a wife doesn't need to grovel at her husband's feet'.... But, as a great Christian woman once said, 'Christ became even lower than a doormat.' Christ did not scrape and grasp for His rights, His power, His control. He willingly sacrificed them in order to meet our greatest need. There is no greater love than the One who stooped so low and sacrificed so much for the sake of His Beloved. Christ was not worried about what He would receive from us. He simply gave-- He willingly poured out His breath and blood because He loved us (Philippians 2:6). This is how we are called to love our husbands. Not holding back-- pouring ourselves out for our man with abandon. Not scraping for our own rights, not grasping for our own agenda, but humbling ourselves daily, seeking our spouse's good above our own." (pg 186-7). The fact that we no longer see giving without receiving anything in return as something worthwhile is sad. I will say this to people until I'm out of breath, but a marriage relationship is a COVENANT with God, not something that can be broken because of how WE feel. It is not always easy to give more of ourselves to even our husbands than ourself. We should not be serving our husbands with an ulterior motive in mind. We should not do something only because we're hoping for something in return (although I can tell you right now, when you go out of your way to serve your husband, he is way more inclined to do something nice for you in return than when you nag him or whine). Do I LOVE doing the dishes? Do I LOVE cleaning his dirty clothes off the floor everyday? Do I LOVE waking up on his early Army schedule to make sure he gets a complete breakfast before he starts his day? Usually not! However, the JOY that I get knowing my husband is taken care of and being allowed the opportunity to SHOW my love for him is something I honestly wouldn't give up (no matter how annoyed I get some days :P ).

There are a lot of other topics in this book, but I'm going to leave it to be read! Set-Apart Femininity by Leslie Ludy. PLEASE read it! It has made me realize that God has truly blessed us women with SO much! Over the past year I've really learned to embrace my femininity and use what God has blessed me with as a woman. There is really a lot to be said about Christian womanhood! Embrace it, love it, and use it in the name of our glorious God!

Letting go...

I've been facing a big issue recently, and I think it's time to learn to just let go. Hi my name is Lauren and I'm a control freak. I admit it. I have a hard time letting go of control. I have always been this way for as long as I can remember. NO ONE can do anything as well as I can, so I might as well just do it myself, right? I even have a hard time letting my fully capable husband drive my Jeep. I ESPECIALLY have a hard time delegating chores and end up just doing them myself (otherwise I have to go back and fix everything...). I'm tired. I'm worn out solely from that little fact of not being able to let go. It's taking a huge toll on me mentally AND physically. I am NOT the one who should be in control. Of course I have to take personal responsibility and control (to extent) of my life, but ultimately it's not ME that's doing that. I think that's been my hardest step in faith, relinquishing control and trusting that God will provide. That is such a HUGE step too. I have made significant progress solely recognizing this fact and acting upon it when I catch myself second-guessing Him. I'm a very independent person, I was raised this way. I was fully capable of not only taking care of myself, but my little sister as well, by age 10. This was mostly due to the fact that I really wasn't given a choice. I have a hard time trusting and allowing myself to depend on others because I had been let down SO many times before (typical, right?). Who am I to suggest that our AMAZING God who remains constant and faithful to US would let me down? He has never given me a reason to think so, nor will He ever, yet I constantly find myself surrounded in fear and doubt. I will never be able to fully control my life, I will never be able to fully control a person, I will never be able to fully control my circumstances nor will I ever be able to fully control even small stupid tasks in ever day life. Of course I'm not going to be OUT of control either, but that's not the point. I need to let go. I need to get out of this childish cycle of expecting things to go my way all the time. I need to trust others. But more importantly I need to trust in GOD.

So, starting now, I'm going to set goals for myself (and include my husband in on this as well):

1) I'm going to pick 2 chores to delegate to Sam; I'm not going to nag, remind, or harass about these chores; I'm not going to go back over and re-do everything he did
2) I'm going to let Sam drive
3) I'm going to let go of my unwarranted insecurities
4) I'm going to let myself relax

My incessant need to constantly be in control is leading to increased insomnia, stress and muscle tension. I'm losing feeling in my arms because of my back again... I shouldn't be doing this to myself at 21 years old and I suspect if I don't make changes now I'm going to pay for it big time when I'm older. Plus, as I mentioned earlier, it's preventing me from getting closer to God. I suspect these will not be easy goals for me, but I will remain determined! Wish me luck ;)

Joyeux Anniversaire

On this day, 5 years ago (although I'm about 2 hours off...) a precious little girl was born. This is a very tough subject for me even still, which is why I don't bring it up very often. Isabelle has brought Sam and I both more than I could have ever imagined. She's beautiful, she's extremely intelligent, she's charismatic, she's creative, and let's be honest, like most 'parents' look at their children, borderline perfect and special in every way. Isabelle may have been the result of some poor decisions on our part, but I have never and will never view any of it as a 'mistake'. God's timing, as always, is perfect. It was by NO means in MY timing, but it happened and it changed my life and took me off of a very self destructive path. It united Sam and I more than I could have ever dreamed. And, it brought a GREAT family into our lives that we would have never met otherwise. My heart aches every moment of every day for that girl, something I was warned, but never really understood. I cry tears of joy and sadness all at the same time when I hear about all the things going on in her life. But today is a day of celebration, even though I get a tinge of sadness. Today is the recognition of the birth of a wonderful gift from God for so many. :)

Un jour de l'amour.

Today is Valentine's Day. A day meant to be surrounded in expressions of love. Taking that extra step to assure the people you love that you appreciate them and love their presence in your life. I'm a very romantic and passionate person, so you would think I love this day, right? WRONG. I do enjoy Valentine's Day as I enjoy most other holidays, but I think it's gone overboard (like most other holidays...). This seems to be a recurring theme for me at the moment, but the materialistic obsession with Valentine's presents is nauseating! Why is giving your wife diamonds the only true expression of love? Why do we have to buy chocolates, flowers, stuffed animals, jewelry and whatever else commercials declare a MUST to show your special someone that you love them? Sam was asked by a few soldiers what he got for Valentine's Day, he said "nothing..." and got a few shocked looks as if he would be in trouble with me. Would you like to know what I desire for Valentine's Day? I would like my husband to be in the same country, in the same state, in the same building or in the same ROOM. Do I care that he didn't order flowers online? No! Admittedly I'm a very practical person, and as stated in my previous post I have a hard time with gifts anyway. I've never expected much, just time with the one I love. Of course I would not turn away flowers or a special night out, but I don't EXPECT it. I wouldn't think Sam loves me any less just because he didn't buy me a diamond necklace. In fact I might actually be more upset that he spent the money on that instead of something we needed (like I said, practical). I think having a special day to really go out of your way for the one you love is never a bad thing. However, I think the entire year should be used to make your loved ones feel appreciated and loved, even just small tokens of affection collectively throughout the year. If we really need to have a holiday to do so, I think that's sad. (Yes I know this wasn't 'invented' for that reason, but that's what it has become).

I apologize for the generalization, but I think too many women expect too much, and they of course expect things to just happen. They expect their loved one to just KNOW what they're thinking, know what they want done, know what they want, etc. I'm by no means an expert in the field of men, but that's just NOT how it works! Men would so much rather be TOLD than have to jump through hoops trying to guess. And why is it always about ourselves? Why do we expect all the extravagant gifts and then get a card and something small for our loved one? Again, I know this is by no means everyone. These unrealistic and selfish expectations of being treated like a queen and served constantly are probably about 9 times out of 10 the cause of unhappiness and problems in a relationship. I'm telling you right now, when you stop thinking "me me me me me" and start doing even small things for your man, you will notice a difference. Even if you get nothing in return, eventually they do notice. After they notice, you'll notice they'll start doing more things for YOU too. This is hard for a lot of ladies, but God does ask us as wives to SERVE our husbands. When we submit and serve our husbands, I'm telling you the reward is great. I love serving Sam, I really do. I love him and I love taking care of him. It is my "love language" which probably helps... For example, he notices that I always keep a clean home and not only thanks me for it, but will generally go out of his way to do something for me without me ever asking or expecting something. Take the selfish motives out of things, follow God's word and I really feel you'll notice a difference.

Now don't get me wrong, I know there are a lot of unhealthy relationships out there. There are truly situations where a man (or even a woman) has absolutely no respect for their significant other. I do know the fear, pain and insecurity brought along with abuse. I know what results from remaining in an abusive relationship too. There are situations where leaving IS the only option, because I would never advocate someone staying in a dangerous situation. However, I do fully believe in doing everything possible to maintain a relationship (especially a marriage). I do not believe in divorce or remarriage. I don't judge those who are in those situations, but I personally do not believe in them. I very strongly believe marriage is a covenant with God, not something that can be broken because of how we feel. I strongly feel the men and women who are disrespectful or abusive are definitely not on a path with Christ. How could they be? Although I can't endorse necessarily staying or leaving (it's all situational and I do understand that), it's amazing what bringing Jesus into your life can do to fix that.

That's my relationship rant! I suspect my issues are partially due to the fact that I'm separated by THOUSANDS of miles from my husband on Valentine's Day, but this is really nothing new. I just felt like venting :)

Contentement passe richesse.

I do believe it's official... I've become a snob. My stay in Minnesota, deployment pay and a nice place to live has spoiled me rotten. (Please do not take what I'm about to say offensively, because it's just observations for me personally. I do not believe I'm better than anyone, even if it may sound that way.) From what I have observed, there is a big cultural difference between Minnesota and El Paso. I have the utmost respect for the Mexican culture, but I suspect a lot of the people that have immigrated to El Paso were very poor there, and have sort of brought that with them. The standard of living is SIGNIFICANTLY lower than it is in Minnesota. Sam and I are by NO means rich, in fact statistically we're hovering on the poverty line. I'm VERY good with money and I'm very good at budgeting, which is how we've created a good standard of living for ourselves. But through searching for apartments here I've learned a lot. There is no middle ground around here. It's either REALLY nice and out of our league, or it's a dump in a very scary neighborhood. Our search is of course limited because of our two dogs, which I suspect has a lot to do with the extreme differences in what I've been finding. My apartment up in Minnesota really was perfect for us at our current position in life. Maybe I'm having such a hard time accepting things because I've had to leave a place where I had made myself extremely comfortable. Maybe it's because I was brought up as the daughter of an Air Force officer and expect a basic standard of living. Either way I'm having a VERY difficult time (as I partially expected I would.)

But then I turn around and feel bad for expecting so much. Do I need a newer apartment with a nicely decorated kitchen, new appliances, and aesthetic appeal? No I really don't. Why am I letting all of these materialistic THINGS bring me down? I find nothing wrong with making myself comfortable, I do not feel bad to expect more than a roach infested, dirty, run down apartment. My husband works VERY hard and deserves to have a nice place to come home to. But there it is, that sense of entitlement to THINGS. Maybe it's just because I'm relatively new to making decisions and directing my thoughts towards God, but I'm having a hard time allowing myself to be comfortable while still honoring Him and not my things. Do I consider myself materialistic? No. I have no attachment to things, I really don't. I would trade all of my things in a heart beat if it's what God asked. Would I kick and whine a little? Probably. I just wonder if that's enough. Is it enough to say that? As they say so often, being a Christian is by no means the easy path to take. Following Jesus quite frequently means forcing yourself out of your "comfort zone". Things have never been my comfort zone. Little background story: My dad was rarely ever around. Being in the Air Force frequently took him to different places around the world throughout my entire life. When he would return, he would always have a gift. I'm sure most of you have heard of the "love languages", and gift giving was definitely my dad's way of showing love. But it almost turned into a substitute for love and attention. I have always had practically any THING I've ever wanted. Did I consider myself blessed? Yes. But all the gifts and the presents weren't what I longed for. I now have a very hard time with gift giving because of that. (In case any of you are curious, my love language is words of affirmation and acts of service.) This little fact reminds me of how un-materialistic I've become. Do I wish it could have been different? Yes. But I have something a lot of people don't: a separation in my mind of love and things. As far as living situations and belongings, I've learned to never get attached to much. Having moved around SO much in my life, I've never had that feeling of "home". Home for me is anywhere my family is (my parents and siblings in the past, Sam now). Again, do I wish I could have had more stability in my life? Yes. But I've come to appreciate what I've learned from it. Will I ever be truly un-materialistic? Of course not, we're human and it's in our nature to be sinful creatures. However, through struggle, I have gained a lot and I'm very thankful to have such a good foundation to start a life for Sam and our future family. I don't feel that giving up a basic standard of living is going to take me away from God, as long as I'm still pursuing Him and not just resting in the comfort of my things. I will NEVER find rest in things, only in Him :) What materialistic things we do receive are a gift from God and should be used to glorify Him in some way. And I think as long as I'm able to keep those things in mind, I'll achieve that happy balance (or at least as close as humanly possible).

On a completely unrelated note, it's a very bittersweet feeling being back in El Paso. I'm THOROUGHLY enjoying the sunshine, the warmth, the palm trees and the mountains, but there is so much frustration and hurt along with happy memories of the short time Sam and I actually got to spend married together associated with El Paso. Seeing soldiers with their families sure isn't helping either. It's been proving a lot harder to handle than I was expecting. We are coming down to single digit days left though, so praise God for that! I just can't wait to share my life with Sam again and enjoy all the progress that we've made TOGETHER. :)

(Sorry if this is so all over the place, I've been overwhelmingly emotional lately and have a very difficult time expressing those emotions in a comprehensible way...)

God's plan

First of all, I would like to say the arrival of February is BEYOND welcome for me. It doesn't seem like it's real! I've been waiting for this month for almost 11 1/2 months now, I can't believe it's actually here! I'm so ready for this deployment to be done. I'm ready to enjoy the progress that I've made with my husband in person. I'm ready to settle down, no longer be in transition, and enjoy life with my husband (until his next deployment at least...). I'm so ready to be just that much closer to starting our family and enjoying God's gifts.

But that's what brings me to write this blog entry. I've been reading the blogs of http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com and my heart is just aching. This girl, around my age, is an absolute inspiration. The love and devotion she has for God is just incredible and worth honoring. Although human, just like all of us, she always comes back to faith in God regardless of what she's being put through. But there were a few blogs in specific that really broke my heart: http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/2010/01/it-is-dark.html and http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.com/2009/11/we-have-had-one-of-those-really-great.html (For whatever reason my hyperlink's aren't working... sorry). All that she does, and yet she still feels that she hasn't really done everything Jesus has called us to do. I think it's extremely healthy to constantly re-evaluate and never truly rest in bettering your faith. No person will ever become so righteous as to have absolutely no room to grow in their faith (except for Jesus of course). However it makes me think about what I'M doing. I don't consider myself a mean, un-giving person. Over this deployment, while Sam and I are relatively financially blessed, I've been making it a point to donate something to any charity I come across. I try to make it a point to go out of my way to do something to make a stranger smile. I generally try to think of others over myself (this of course still being very hard, we are very selfish beings). I feel that I should be doing more. I don't feel satisfied in what I give, yet I receive so much. I feel I should be doing so much more to spread God's love to his children who NEED Him who might not embrace Him. I'm really hoping to see eye to eye on this with my husband, because I plan to no longer ignore this desire building in my heart. I feel like God is planning something (well obviously He is, but I think it's going to be playing out in the very near future). What that may be, I have no idea, but I highly suspect SOMETHING is going to be presented to me and I'm going to have to take it. Sam and I by no means live in the lap of luxury (especially in a few weeks...), but we have so much more than so many others. I find nothing wrong with allowing myself to be comfortable, I think it's hard to give to others when you're lacking profoundly yourself (not that we are lacking profoundly) so I can't bring myself to necessarily feel BAD for what I have, just very blessed. However, I never want to rest in the comfort, I never want to lose sight of our heavenly kingdom, and I never want to hold on too tightly to worldly things. It also made me think about God's plan for people. I greatly admire those who do go around the world giving and helping those who need them, spreading God's love, but I know that's not necessarily God's calling for EVERYONE. Of course we're called to be hospitable and giving, thinking of others over ourselves and being a witness for Jesus, but not all of us are destined to go to places to like Africa to serve. I'm a nurturing soul and I'm very aware of this. I have a warm, open heart for anyone, but I will admit my heart really goes out to kids. I love working with kids everyday, watching them grow, watching them learn and knowing I was able to somehow touch their life and help them in some way to get to that point. I love taking care of my husband, I love making food for him, I love making sure he always has clean clothes and I love providing a clean, comfortable place to come home to. It's just natural for me to take care of others. When Isabelle was born, that fact became abundantly clear to me. I had NEVER felt so close to God, I had never felt a stronger sense of purpose EVER. I may not be her mother per se, but I knew there was a little girl now that would eventually NEED me for reassurance. I've been having stronger and stronger feelings that having a family and raising our children to be strong people in Christ is my calling. Imagining myself as a Christian mother just makes my heart beat a little faster in excitement. Does that make me any less important than those providing for thousands? I don't think it does. Someone has to raise those people, right? Does that mean I can't be as giving as possible? Of course not! Will I be very open to opportunities God puts in front of me? Absolutely. Will I be constantly striving to get closer to God and do what Jesus asks of us? Yes.

That's all I have for now :) It may be quite a long time before I'm able to blog again, but we shall see!

The Army Core Values

loy⋅al⋅ty
–noun, plural -ties.
1. the state or quality of being loyal; faithfulness to commitments or obligations.
2. faithful adherence to a sovereign, government, leader, cause, etc.
3. an example or instance of faithfulness, adherence, or the like: a man with fierce loyalties.

du⋅ty
–noun, plural -ties.
1. something that one is expected or required to do by moral or legal obligation.
2. the binding or obligatory force of something that is morally or legally right; moral or legal obligation.

re⋅spect
–verb (used with object)
9. to hold in esteem or honor: I cannot respect a cheat.
10. to show regard or consideration for: to respect someone's rights.

self·less (slfls)
adj.
1. Having, exhibiting, or motivated by no concern for oneself; unselfish

hon⋅or
–noun
1. Honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions

in·teg·ri·ty
n.
1. Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code.
2. The state of being unimpaired; soundness.
3. The quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness.

cour⋅age
–noun
1. the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc., without fear; bravery

Now I understand that when a group establishes values, it's more of an ideal to try to follow. We're all human, and to err is to be human because we are imperfect being. I don't expect anyone to follow all of these values all the time. Yet, since Sam has joined the Army, I can't particularly say I've seen too many examples of these values. The worst part is, I see less of these values in our officers, the ones in charge, than in anyone else. I'm not one to generalize, I do recognize there are truly valiant men and women in our Army who deserve the respect and admiration from people, so forgive me when I say soldiers. The Army has done a lot for us, it's given us stability (in a very stretched definition of the word...) during financial instability, it allowed Sam and I to get married and it's opened up a lot of opportunities we wouldn't necessarily have otherwise. However I've learned a lot about human nature and today's society by how both Sam and I have been treated. I have seen very little loyalty, first hand we have seen the opposite of respect (yes both of us), I have never seen selfless service, I have very rarely seen honor and honesty, I can't particularly say I've seen a shred of integrity, and Sam has quite a few stories on officers and courage... What I have seen is dishonesty, selfishness, disrespect, lack of follow-through, complete lack of organization, complete lack of common sense, cowardice and petty drama. I know, welcome to the real world, right? Am I an idealist? I'd have to say so. As a Christian I strive to follow the majority of those values (and a few others), and although I will never be perfect, it's just hard for me to look at the world and not cringe in disgust. Even before I truly opened my spiritual eyes and saw the world for what it was, I can't particularly say I was happy with what I saw. That's a whole different rant though.

Admittedly this is provoked by my recent upset with on-post housing. Sam and I decided that on-post housing would be the easiest, most convenient option that left us the ability to look for other housing options in case we didn't like what we were able to get. Before I moved back to Wisconsin/Minnesota, we were offered a house. We explained our situation, how I was already planning on moving because Sam was deploying, and they told us they would freeze our position and if I called 30 days before I planned to return, they would have something available for us. I left thinking nothing of it. I decided to call 2 months before I was planning on moving (better safe than sorry, right?) and they told me they would put us back on the list, made a few revisions in regards to Sam's rank, and was told it should still be no problem and to call back in mid-January. This of course was after 2 weeks of trying to get a hold of ANYONE from the housing office, only receiving a reply after Sam sent a very frustrated e-mail to them. So I go about my planning, once again thinking nothing of it. I start trying to get a hold of them again in mid-January. I finally (on January 26th) receive a call from an actual person and speak with them. However I did not get the answer I was expecting. I was told that there is absolutely nothing available, there won't be anything available at this point to have something by the time I move, nor will there be anything available for quite awhile. .... They tell me this NOW, when I'm 2 1/2 weeks away from my move. Really? So after a year of being led to believe we would have a house available with no issues or hassles, I'm now left to find a place to live and to let my husband come back from Iraq to in less than 2 1/2 weeks on top of packing, working and finishing last minute things with the apartment I'm currently living in. Did I mention this is also all by myself? Saying I'm unhappy is the understatement of a century. However, after figuring out plan C with Sam, we're thinking this is definitely for the better in the long run, just a very big hassle for me presently. At the moment though, I will be officially homeless as of February 11th...

In conclusion, I guess I just really need to learn from these things. Too many times I've been presented with this situation, I should just expect it at this point and try to make the best of it. I'm really disappointed it even has to be this way, but to save my sanity I have to think like a cynic. Also, NEVER TRUST ANYTHING UNLESS YOU HAVE IT IN WRITING (duh...) because apparently no one will follow through on their word unless legally bound to do so.

My impending move...

I haven't posted in awhile, and felt it was probably time. (I've barely started and I'm already pulling the "Oh, I'll write about it tomorrow" haha). Today is not necessarily or rant, just thoughts.

As some of you know, I am officially moving back to El Paso, TX to rejoin my husband (when he gets back from his deployment of course) at his duty station Fort Bliss (believe me, the name is completely ironic) on February the 15th 2010. Sam should be arriving sometime after that. I am completely overjoyed, ecstatic, thrilled, and any other very positive word you can think of to have my husband home with me again after a very long year without him. A year doesn't always seem like such a long time, but when your spouse is halfway across the world in a dangerous area, they are the longest 365 days of your LIFE. However, I am admittedly not looking forward to the reality that we're going back to El Paso for 5 years... Moving alone, again, driving 1600 miles alone, again, is not something I'm particularly looking forward to either, but I will get through it just like I had done in the past. Oh the things you do for love, right?

El Paso. What can I say El Paso. To start, the commonly used nickname is "Hell Paso" and I can't particularly argue with it. It's dry, it's really rather barren, and it's dirty. "Well duh Lauren, aren't all deserts dirty" Yes, but not like El Paso. When you go out, even to just go grocery shopping, you WILL return with completely black feet from the dirt. The first 2 weeks you're there, you will be sick (swollen tonsils/adenoids, cough and runny nose) because Juarez (less than 5 minutes away) has no pollution laws. Crime is very high too. Most people (including myself before I moved there) are completely oblivious to what's going on in Juarez, because it's really very grim. No need to necessarily go to Africa to see slums, just drive along I-10W/I-25N if you're ever in the area and you'll see enough to make you wonder where you are. There is a huge drug problem, which brings on a lot of violence. So when people ask me how I can NOT be looking forward to going south during the winter, how can I really be complaining about a city that has palm trees, THAT is how. However, not ALL of El Paso is like that, because there really is always two sides. There ARE nice parts that Sam and I plan on taking advantage of since we discovered it shortly before he left.

Also, I supposed Sam in everything he does, whether it's necessarily what I had planned or not. He currently is planning on re-enlisting. The plan as it stands right now is that he'll re-sign up with ADA, we'll get another decent chunk of money as a bonus, but that's another 5 years in. We CHOSE El Paso again. Why, might you ask? Because when your options are Fort Sill, Oklahoma and Fort Bragg, North Carolina, you realize comparatively El Paso is sadly the best choice. We both decided this was the best choice. We're planning on having kids, we need reliable medical coverage and a stable income. Going into the civilian world is going to be a difficult enough transition for Sam I think, I don't want to make that more difficult making him have to worry about a new baby, especially without a degree. He does plan to take advantage of his G.I. Bill while he's in the Army and will be getting a degree and hopefully becoming an officer within the next few years. That's the tentative plan right now.

So then there's the big question: Will there still be a chance of a deployment? Absolutely. We should at least have a year, which is better than no guarantee. That thought absolutely terrifies me. I made it through this deployment in one piece, but I'm scared that piece will crumble during another year long deployment. Luckily Sam will no longer be VOLUNTEERING himself for deployments. He's learned his lesson on that one. I know I keep talking about this, but as challenging and awful as this deployment has been, Sam and I have really gained a lot. We have better communication skills than some even 30 year marriages can boast. We've learned how to keep romance alive during a 2 hour internet conversation. No hugging, no kissing, no candle light dinners, no snuggling, and no intimacy. The loss of those things alone have been the end of quite a few marriages these days. We've both learned to really trust the Lord, because at times that's honestly all we've had, and I have to tell you shedding everything and turning to the comfort of God is AMAZING. The amount of love we're capable of receiving from Him surprised even me. It's changed my life. I believed He existed before, but I can't live without His presence in my life anymore and I love it. Now I can't wait to experience that WITH my husband. I have high hopes for his return, but I have to admit I sometimes allow the shadow of that potential 2nd deployment to loom over my excitement. But, now at least I've learned that all I can really do is trust in God because He always comes through. Plus, by the time a 2nd deployment is around, we'll hopefully have a little Hipp running around to keep me distracted.... :)

Am I nervous for moving, re-enlistment, another deployment? You better believe it. Am I getting a little stressed? Yes, but not as stressed as I've been in the past. Do I know that God will provide and make a way for everything that's in our best interest? Absolutely.

Maturité

I've had a real issue lately with people not necessarily pushing opinions, but trying to passive aggressively state their opinion and make me realize why my opinion is wrong. Sam and I obviously got married young (more me than him). We were married when I was technically 19 (I say technically because I turned 20 two days later). Admittedly, it depends on where I am because in most Army bases I'm considered one of the "elderly" wives, but up here in Minnesota I get a "What? You're 21 and married??". I don't know why I let it get to me, but I do. Who are they to know what I think is best for me? How do they know I wasn't some super genius, graduated from college with a masters and earn more than they do? Who are they to determine MY maturity level? I do recognize that the majority of people my age are FAR from ready to be married. However, the majority of people my age have not been through all that I have been through (not that experience necessarily ensures maturity either).

I've always been more mature for my age. I essentially took care of my little sister (10 years younger than me) since the age of 12. I battled depression, low self esteem, eating disorders, you name it and I more than likely went through it. I experimented with drugs when I was young, and I turned my life around when I was young. I began a relationship with my now husband rather young and had a child with him very young. However, when I look back, although generally very negative things, I WAS mature enough to handle the situations to the point where at 17 I was the equivalency to a 21 year old. I consider Sam and I to be equals, I never think to myself "wow he's 2 1/2 years older than me and it definitely shows". I think anyone who actually knows me more than an acquaintance would agree. I do not regret getting married what so ever. I felt I was ready to get married, and I still hold to that. So why do people feel the need to tell me that they think I'm too young to be married? Not to mention Sam and I are planning on starting our family, I just can't wait to hear "WHAT, you're 22/23 (the time frame I would actually be having a baby) and you have a child??"

Which brings me to my next thought, what age is considered being a young mom? Comparatively I can understand using the term "young mom" when you look at a 22 year old vs. let's say a 42 year old. Once again, I think it's an issue of maturity. I know people at 20 that are more capable of taking care of another life than a 35 year old. God has rekindled a real desire in me to have a baby. My maternal instincts and desires to have a baby have admittedly been very high since having Isabelle and putting her up for adoption at 16. However, I knew very well then and until this point that Sam and I were by no means ready to have children (financially or emotionally). God has really been speaking to me about this. When Isabelle was born, even though she wasn't in my household, I felt this overwhelming sense of fulfillment and purpose. I had never felt closer to God than in that moment when that precious little girl was born. God re-established that feeling in my heart and really made it known that raising a family focused on Him IS my calling. Being a sinful human, I turned and pretended I didn't hear. It's not what I had planned (not that I necessarily planned on being out of school and married to a soldier), and it's not what my family expects of me, after all having a child wasn't in the plan until I was at least 25 with a degree and a career! So God, being the ever so patient Creator that He is, asked me why I was turning away from Him? Didn't I KNOW that He would take care of me? Has He ever proven me wrong? Having Isabelle most definitely was NOT in my plan for my life, but it has brought me more than I could ever have fathomed. So I realized, God, once again you're absolutely right. It may be hard, it may not be what I had planned, but it's my path and instead of putting my fingers in my ears, looking the other way and pretending I didn't hear Him, I need to embrace it because I KNOW He will provide for us and I KNOW things will turn out better than I'm expecting. THAT is how I know that we are ready for this. We're both extremely excited to begin setting out on this adventure together, and being in a much better place in our life most definitely helps. So, I'll say it again, who are they to tell me I'm too young?

Bridezillas

This post has absolutely nothing to do with the show, but I felt the name was completely appropriate for the title of this blog. While watching TLC (my former favorite TV station...) I watched the show "Say Yes to the Dress". I had read the info on it and thought watching a show about shopping for a wedding dress just CAN'T be that bad. Oh boy was I wrong. Women had budgets of sometimes over $10000! ON A DRESS! A dress that truly will (or at least should be) worn only once in a lifetime. I'm admittedly jealous that there are people in the world who can frivolously spend their money like that, but at the same time I start to question where their heart is. Which got me thinking on modern weddings, and when I say modern I really mean within the last 20-30 years. (I won't even begin to touch marriage in general as seen by the masses).

Sam and I did not truly have a "wedding". We were married in front of a justice of the peace with Sam's parents and his battle buddies in AIT. Therefore, I recognize I may not be the biggest expert on the subject, however I think every woman has knowledge of a wedding and how everything works. Simply stated, I think society has taken things too far. I think WAY too much is expected of weddings and I think people are once again COMPLETELY missing the point. I see a lot of these women on all of these shows fretting over the color of the napkins, the color of the lights, what type of chair the guest is sitting on and I think it's absolutely ridiculous. I also think there is WAY too much involved as far as etiquette goes as well. That could very well be a generational thing for me though. Personally, I don't think a wedding should be something that causes stress and anxiety. I understand there is work involved, and I find nothing wrong in that, but losing your mind over petty details instead of focusing and celebrating the fact that you are about to be MARRIED is just sad. I also don't understand the need and almost expectation to invite 300 people, half of which you've never actually met. I think a wedding is a very intimate ceremony, I think close family and friends should be invited, but I don't think the invitation list should become excessive. I understand the importance of having family present, I really wish we had been able to, but at the same time there really is taking it WAY overboard. And lastly, I think there is too much emphasis on having an elaborate wedding. For awhile I was concerned that not having a wedding ceremony would make it feel like Sam and I aren't truly married, but I was proven wrong. We are no more or less married than anyone who did have a wedding ceremony. Although we do plan on doing something eventually in order to be able to include our family and friends, I think there is way too much pressure to spend the money on a big lavish ceremony.

Seeing society with spiritual eyes really makes me sick. Plus, as I previously mentioned, I'm not going to even touch what society has turned a marriage into.

Appearance.

For most of you, I KNOW this is not a new subject I have talked about. In fact I'm sure you're pretty sick of hearing it from me... but too bad. I am struggling with my appearance, mostly because of my weight. I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember.

A little bit of background:

When I was younger I was by no means skinny, nor was I particularly fat. I was always athletic, always "average" size, but my first memories of worrying about my weight began when I was in 5th grade. I didn't do anything drastic until I was in 7th grade. My first "relationship" ended and for whatever reason I had it stuck in my head it was because I wasn't pretty enough, so what did I do? I stopped eating. This was while I was in the play at my school, so being away from home avoiding dinner was REALLY easy. I never ate breakfast because it has always upset my stomach, so my parents were never alerted. They noticed my decline in weight, but attributed it to normal "growing into the weight". I felt amazing, which is the biggest worry. I would make sure to drink something like juice to keep myself from fainting, maybe an apple here and there to make my mom happy, but that would be it. I was lying, I was angry, I was pretty much slowly killing myself, but I felt great. I got down from a size 4 to a size 00 in less than 2 months. When the play was over, I had lost my ability to skip dinner. I picked at my food, at a few bites, and told my parents I didn't like it and refused to eat it. They wouldn't let me go anywhere without eating more. I literally sat there screaming and crying like a 5 year old because I did NOT want to eat. I finally scarfed it down, but my body was so accustomed to nothing with substance, I pretty much threw it up immediately. That's when my parents were alerted, 3 months after it had all started. I think if they hadn't, I would have let it get way too far.

Relevance:

I don't think I will ever see myself as beautiful. They call it a disease, and I may agree to an extent, but I don't think that's the right word. It's a soul-crushing obsession that no matter how many hours you spend in therapy, you will never truly escape. This is why I have such difficulty with my weight. I obsess about appearance and weight as if it's the most important thing a person could have. I feel less than human at this weight. I feel that no matter how I dress, do my hair, wear my make-up, I will never be pretty until I'm a size 2.

However, I feel like I've finally found some peace. Since focusing my life on God, the overwhelming, nagging thoughts about appearance have gone away (with prayer). I had a "conversation" with Him about WHY I was so desperate to be drop dead gorgeous. He pointed out that I have a husband who loves me, is attracted to me and truly finds me beautiful, so why did I need the approval of everyone else? Was I trying to attract attention from other men? That was definitely not how I had thought about it, but I think subconsciously that is exactly what I was doing. The fact that God intricately designed me really sunk in too, He asked me why I felt His work was inadequate? Who did I think I was to criticize what He had put together? (Of course) He was absolutely right. This body is only temporary, it's weak and will inevitably decay. Becoming a beautiful person inside is what I need to be focusing on. I have all that I NEED through Christ, having good looks will never give me ANYTHING in comparison.

Although I've reached peace, I still strive to be healthy. I still strongly suspect something is wrong with me, and I refuse to let it go. Even if nothing is wrong with me anymore, I will continue to battle this weight in a healthy way. Eating right, exercising (as best I can, it's almost impossible to do so many things at the moment...) and living in a healthy way is ACTUALLY my goal now.

1 Samuel 16:7 - "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."