Appearance.

For most of you, I KNOW this is not a new subject I have talked about. In fact I'm sure you're pretty sick of hearing it from me... but too bad. I am struggling with my appearance, mostly because of my weight. I have struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember.

A little bit of background:

When I was younger I was by no means skinny, nor was I particularly fat. I was always athletic, always "average" size, but my first memories of worrying about my weight began when I was in 5th grade. I didn't do anything drastic until I was in 7th grade. My first "relationship" ended and for whatever reason I had it stuck in my head it was because I wasn't pretty enough, so what did I do? I stopped eating. This was while I was in the play at my school, so being away from home avoiding dinner was REALLY easy. I never ate breakfast because it has always upset my stomach, so my parents were never alerted. They noticed my decline in weight, but attributed it to normal "growing into the weight". I felt amazing, which is the biggest worry. I would make sure to drink something like juice to keep myself from fainting, maybe an apple here and there to make my mom happy, but that would be it. I was lying, I was angry, I was pretty much slowly killing myself, but I felt great. I got down from a size 4 to a size 00 in less than 2 months. When the play was over, I had lost my ability to skip dinner. I picked at my food, at a few bites, and told my parents I didn't like it and refused to eat it. They wouldn't let me go anywhere without eating more. I literally sat there screaming and crying like a 5 year old because I did NOT want to eat. I finally scarfed it down, but my body was so accustomed to nothing with substance, I pretty much threw it up immediately. That's when my parents were alerted, 3 months after it had all started. I think if they hadn't, I would have let it get way too far.

Relevance:

I don't think I will ever see myself as beautiful. They call it a disease, and I may agree to an extent, but I don't think that's the right word. It's a soul-crushing obsession that no matter how many hours you spend in therapy, you will never truly escape. This is why I have such difficulty with my weight. I obsess about appearance and weight as if it's the most important thing a person could have. I feel less than human at this weight. I feel that no matter how I dress, do my hair, wear my make-up, I will never be pretty until I'm a size 2.

However, I feel like I've finally found some peace. Since focusing my life on God, the overwhelming, nagging thoughts about appearance have gone away (with prayer). I had a "conversation" with Him about WHY I was so desperate to be drop dead gorgeous. He pointed out that I have a husband who loves me, is attracted to me and truly finds me beautiful, so why did I need the approval of everyone else? Was I trying to attract attention from other men? That was definitely not how I had thought about it, but I think subconsciously that is exactly what I was doing. The fact that God intricately designed me really sunk in too, He asked me why I felt His work was inadequate? Who did I think I was to criticize what He had put together? (Of course) He was absolutely right. This body is only temporary, it's weak and will inevitably decay. Becoming a beautiful person inside is what I need to be focusing on. I have all that I NEED through Christ, having good looks will never give me ANYTHING in comparison.

Although I've reached peace, I still strive to be healthy. I still strongly suspect something is wrong with me, and I refuse to let it go. Even if nothing is wrong with me anymore, I will continue to battle this weight in a healthy way. Eating right, exercising (as best I can, it's almost impossible to do so many things at the moment...) and living in a healthy way is ACTUALLY my goal now.

1 Samuel 16:7 - "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."