What to do...

I've been having a hard time lately with my home. Every little thing has just been bugging me lately. Not having a place to put things, not knowing what would look good, what random piece of furniture might look best where, not having enough space, and more importantly, lacking any and all creativity to even begin to know what to do with a space I have no control over. It's driving me crazy! I don't have a job, I can't find a job, nor do I have kids which makes now the perfect (and potentially only) opportunity to really work at this. I have to say, I am proud of what Sam and I have accomplished. When we got married, we literally started with nothing but a blow up mattress, a chair and an end table originally used for camping... We lacked the advantage many other couples have with a wedding shower. I'm trying to continuously keep that in perspective when I look at my home, but I still feel we're falling behind the curve. I just don't know what to do! I can't find rest in my home anymore. I finally feel like an adult, but I feel like everything else is trailing behind. My home makes me feel like I'm still an adolescent with a disheveled mess, hand-me-down mismatching furniture, and a need to re-arrange priorities or something. I suspect part of this is my perfectionism, my OCD and my new-found desire to live like the adult I feel I am. Part of it, I'm sure, is also from my addiction to home-making blogs and TV shows... Is it wrong of me to long for a place I can come home to and feel at peace? Sam really doesn't care, he would be plenty happy with a complete mess, but I still feel like I'm letting him down as a wife. It IS my job. I feel like I should be providing a nice place for him to come home to, and I'm failing miserably.

Another part of this is my complete and utter displeasure with renting apartments. I'm so sick of apartments! The very little creativity and ideas I do have isn't allowed. I'm sick of being limited. I'm sick of hearing every single footstep, noise and movement all around me. I'm sick of being woken up constantly throughout the night by rude neighbors, cars driving by in the parking lot and maintenance men using leaf blowers at 8 AM... I'm sick of constantly worrying about finding a parking spot when I come home with a load of groceries. I'm ESPECIALLY sick of having to take my dogs outside to go in the rocks. I want to give them grass! I want a space of my own to express myself, a place I can go for quiet, (hopefully) a place I can actually sleep in through the night. It's just another one of those 'big girl steps' I feel like I'm missing out on. Sam and I are ready to buy a house, but not knowing how long we're going to be in one location on top of a horrible housing market is preventing us from getting to do so.

All of this has left me feeling anxious. I was excited to have Sam home again because I thought it would finally feel like we weren't in transition anymore, but we're just in another step of transition. I hate having to force things to wait, things I so desperately want, because I'm waiting for ______(insert event here)______ to happen. I can truly empathize with the Israelites wandering the desert for 40 years wondering when things will ever be stable. I sincerely hope I don't complain, second guess, and disobey God as often, but I suspect that might not be so. I don't consider myself an impatient person, but I've learned I'm not particularly a patient person either. I have never truly known stability, but I'm not used to this level of instability.

(I do apologize, I know this post is very scattered, but I had to organize my thoughts even a tiny bit.)

Q& A About Open Adoption

Melanie (Isabelle's mom) recently did a post (here) listing some questions she frequently gets asked about our rather unique situation. She suggested that I should probably do the same, and I couldn't agree more!

Why did we choose adoption/open adoption?

I don't think it takes a whole lot of explanation as to why we chose adoption. Sam was 18 years old, fresh out of high school, JUST about to head off to boot camp for the Army, and let's be honest, still a teen-aged boy. I was 15(/16) years old, just about to start my junior year of high school, living with my parents, plans to go to college and still a teen-aged girl. Although we were generally considered the mature ones of our peers, we were still just kids ourselves, not even remotely ready to raise a child. As most birth mothers will tell you, although those reasons have a big impact, that's definitely NOT the reason that pushes a couple to adoption. I couldn't do that to Isabelle. Could we have made it work? Maybe. But I didn't want to have to 'make it work'. I wanted to give her a loving and stable home with parents who were actually ready to raise a child. I wanted her to have every single opportunity open to her. I wanted her to have EVERYTHING, and that is something I truly couldn't offer at 16 years old.

So after we decided that adoption was the best plan, we chose to do an open adoption. Sam was adopted, and having had the experience of growing up as an adopted child, he informed me of a lot of the complications, confusion, and other issues that commonly go along with other adopted children. I REALLY wanted to avoid that. Plus I don't think I would have been able to go through with the adoption if I had absolutely no opportunity to be involved in her life even a little bit. I desperately wanted her to know that she was LOVED, not abandoned. When we were introduced to this relatively new idea of open adoption, we just knew it was the way to go.

Isn't it hard seeing her with a different family?

It's really not. The very first visit after Isabelle was born, I was admittedly nervous about how I would take that. After getting to their house, feeding her and holding her, then handing her off, it was much less of an issue than I had thought it would be. What most people don't understand is that with adoption comes a grieving process, because although she is still alive, it is a loss. We waited awhile to see her after she was born in order to give her a chance to settle in with her family, as well as to give Sam and I a chance to grieve. We came to a point where we accepted our role as her birth parents, we accepted John and Melanie as her parents and honestly that was that. I don't feel awkward, I don't feel jealous, and it really isn't hard for me seeing her call them mom and dad.

Do you ever regret your decision?

I definitely do not. I will never regret choosing adoption. However, I would be lying if I said I never thought about what life would be like had I chosen to keep her. I think a lot about what we could have done to make it possible to keep her. It's increased a bit now that Sam and I are married and in a stable enough situation to start considering having children. I never once thought that I made the wrong decision though. Just because things are great now, doesn't mean they would be great if we had chosen differently. Choosing adoption really is a selfless option. It's about looking beyond yourself, beyond what you're feeling and beyond what you're deeply desiring. As ANY parent knows, there really is a change of perspective, you start thinking about what's best for your kids. How could I regret a decision that puts Isabelle's well-being as the #1 priority? Isabelle has a GREAT life, we love John and Melanie and I don't think that little girl could be any more loved.

What was it like meeting John and Melanie for the first time?

Sam and I were both very nervous. They weren't randomly selected for us, we chose them from a GIGANTIC pile of profiles of families looking to adopt, so we did know a little bit about them, but it's still very nervous meeting someone (especially the family you're about to give your child away to) for the first time. The meeting was facilitated by our social workers at the adoption agency who were there to break the ice, remind us of questions we might want to ask and to give support if needed. We were all a little quiet at first, but after a few minutes we realized they really were the older (but of course not old ;) ) versions of ourselves and that was that. We knew they were right, we knew it was absolutely no coincidence that we chose them out of hundreds of other families, and I don't know about Sam, but I felt a LOT more comfortable with the whole adoption at that point. After that first meeting we were still talking. A few days before our little girl was born, Sam and I went to their house to see the very VERY pink room that was completely ready for her, had some pizza and just got to know each other even more. Sam and I have been extremely blessed to have them in our life and we are beyond thankful for the very unique relationship we have with Isabelle and her family.

(Sam and I during the visit before she was born)

What if you change your mind now? Are you able to take her back?

No. Not only would I not want to do that, I legally am not able to. Of course I love her with all my heart, but I relinquished my role as mother and took on the role as birth mother. She grew in my womb, I gave birth to her, but she is not MY daughter. There is no such thing as a temporary adoption, which is why it's such an important decision you have to be SURE you're ready to make. (However, after giving birth, with fos-adopt the potential family is allowed to have the baby, but if you change your mind within a certain time frame, you are able to get your baby back). Adoption is the best decision we could have made. Sam and I are Sam and Lauren (although she's been calling us 'the birth parents') who come to visit, play with her, dote on her and spoil her even more. We're extremely lucky to even get that opportunity. I have no desire to compete with Melanie for the role of mother because I am confident in my choice and I have accepted my role.

What are the 'rules' of your open adoption?

Open adoption is a completely voluntary choice made by both the adoptive family and the birth parents. Each and every open adoption is different because everyone has different opinions and comfort levels. Before Isabelle was born we made up a 'contract' specifying levels of contact, visits, etc. We originally set ours up for a visit once a month with as many e-mails and pictures as we want. We made it very flexible because we were fortunate enough to be extremely comfortable with each other. The contact was really more of something to lean back on if any issues were to arise. It gives protection for the birth parents and the adoptive family. We aren't exactly following through with our original agreement due to changes in circumstances (Sam being in the Army getting a special allotment of leave days, along with 1600 miles separation, makes once a month visits very difficult) but we see her as often as possible and contact is consistent. Another sub-topic for this question is whether or not she stays with Sam and I. Not only would that be extremely complicated with the distance (1600 miles from El Paso to Minnesota...) adoption is not like a divorce. We do not have joint custody.

What does Isabelle think about the adoption? Does she know who you are?

Had you asked me this a year ago, I would have told you that she doesn't fully understand the situation. Sam and I were just Sam and Lauren who came to see her a lot. However, as of not too long ago, she is more aware of the situation than we were expecting at 5 years old... Melanie was beginning to explain that I gave birth to her (in 5 year old terms of course), but she was still her mom. Apparently she was able to put two and two together MUCH faster than we were expected and has NOT been afraid to let us know just how much she understands. I partially blame it on age and lack of true understanding, but she has been asking to "go home" with me (of course generally after being disciplined, nice try Izzy). She's also recently been calling Sam and I "the birth parents". Does she have a formulated opinion on everything? Probably not yet. Does she understand to a degree who I am? Yes. Open adoption is still relatively new, so everything we're doing and every step we're taking really doesn't have a whole lot of advice behind it. I'm excited and a bit nervous to see where everything leads in the future.

On a side not, I never would have accepted or understood then just how much God had led us through the entire process, but in retrospect it's completely undeniable. God put Isabelle into my life when He did for a reason (as He always does of course). Having her got me off of a very self destructive path and it unified Sam and me. He left no doubt for either of us that John and Melanie were the right choice for Isabelle. God has done so many amazing things for both of us, even when we weren't acknowledging Him. What an amazing God we have that gives so much despite ourselves!

Set-Apart Femininity

So my friend Amy had posted on her blog about this book, and I got excited and thought to myself "that's definitely something I should read". While staying at their house up in Minnesota, I got a chance to do so. I picked it up and read it within 2 days, I could NOT put it down. It is a lot to absorb, but once I sat and reflected and prayed about what I had read, my heart almost burst with excitement and love for my Lord! It's made me re-evaluate almost everything I had thought about Christianity and my role as a woman in Christ. I STRONGLY recommend any woman who believes and accepts Christ as her savior to read this book, and then read it again. If you would classify your belief as lukewarm, then you might not be ready to read this. It touches upon the modern Christian fitting beliefs around the world and around themselves instead of truly devoting our hearts and our LIVES to Him.

It really stirred up something in me that has been sitting dormant. God has made it very clear what role He has set for me. How these opportunities will present themselves, I'm not entirely sure, but I do know what's coming. I don't want to be a lukewarm, "average" Christian. I want people to look at me and see God's radiance flowing out of me. I want to know that I am giving my ALL in life to spreading His word and caring for those who are in need. As I mentioned in another post, I'm a nurturer. God has brought out such a strong maternal desire in my heart (something I would have cringed at even just a year ago...). I know that I'm to raise my children to be strong warriors in Christ, and not just raise them, but expose them to the world and harbor a deep passion for giving to others in their hearts. If you had told me my role would almost solely be "mother" I would have laughed. I had never desired to be a stay at home mom at ANY point in my life. I barely wanted kids! Maybe it was because I never truly understood the importance of raising children with strong morals, maybe it was because I had drastically different plans for myself, or maybe it was because although I believed in God, I was truly following Him. Whatever the reason, I looked at stay at home moms as a lazy and almost sexist existence to be 'chained at home'. I partially blame society's new pressure on women to go against everything we've done for centuries as well as the lack of respect and appreciation for family. I am admittedly moderately anti-feminist in many ways, but that's beside the point. I now see and appreciate the importance of raising your children. However, the part that excites me is the fact that God wants me to step up and do even MORE for my children! God wants me to show them the world! How can I not be excited??? I don't even have children yet, nor am I pregnant, but I can't stop thinking about it!

Lastly, I really enjoyed what she had to say about marriage. I have to share this...

"A well-known training program for Christian college students has a special emphasis on marriage and family preparation. They focus on helping young people take 'realistic' expectations into marriage so that they don't become disillusioned when wedded bliss isn't everything they thought it would be. It's rather ironic if you think about it. Here is a group of Christian young people who have spent their entire life hearing that they should save sex until marriage. Christian leaders have always told them 'your marriage will be so much better if you wait!' And now the same people who heralded the many merits of 'waiting' are cautioning them not to get their hopes up for a 'happily ever after' love story... We see the dismal marriages so prevalent in our parents' generation, and we begin to wonder whether there really is anything worth waiting for after all... The Christian community constantly howls to the public about protecting the sanctity of marriage. Meanwhile Christian marriages are failing at the same rate as the rest of the world... Christian marriages should be the example to the rest of the world, demonstrating that following God's ways brings abundant life, joy, peace, and supernatural victory. Instead, we are training our young people to take dismal expectations into marriage and cautioning them not to get their hopes up too high." (pg 175-6)

I couldn't agree more! I think marriage, for some Christians and non-believers, has become a complete joke. Fickleness and divorce has become completely acceptable. It's almost understandable why so many young people choose multiple, meaningless sexual encounters over a committed marriage relationship when THAT is the message we're giving even to Christian young people! She goes on to discuss that the biggest problem in the majority of failing marriages is the message of selfishness we deem acceptable. She talks about the popular message of guarding ourselves from our husbands so we aren't let down. What kind of a message IS that? It absolutely feeds into our selfish nature, but it almost entirely negates the whole point of a marriage. As a wife we are asked to SERVE our husbands. I know I've talked about this before, but it's no less true now than it was then. Many modern women CRINGE at that statement. "'I don't think you need to refer to yourself as Eric's servant,' said one woman. 'It sounds so demeaning. You aren't his slave, you know. You still have your own life.' Other women agreed. 'I think you are taking it too far,' they told me. 'Of course you want to help him and honor him, but a wife doesn't need to grovel at her husband's feet'.... But, as a great Christian woman once said, 'Christ became even lower than a doormat.' Christ did not scrape and grasp for His rights, His power, His control. He willingly sacrificed them in order to meet our greatest need. There is no greater love than the One who stooped so low and sacrificed so much for the sake of His Beloved. Christ was not worried about what He would receive from us. He simply gave-- He willingly poured out His breath and blood because He loved us (Philippians 2:6). This is how we are called to love our husbands. Not holding back-- pouring ourselves out for our man with abandon. Not scraping for our own rights, not grasping for our own agenda, but humbling ourselves daily, seeking our spouse's good above our own." (pg 186-7). The fact that we no longer see giving without receiving anything in return as something worthwhile is sad. I will say this to people until I'm out of breath, but a marriage relationship is a COVENANT with God, not something that can be broken because of how WE feel. It is not always easy to give more of ourselves to even our husbands than ourself. We should not be serving our husbands with an ulterior motive in mind. We should not do something only because we're hoping for something in return (although I can tell you right now, when you go out of your way to serve your husband, he is way more inclined to do something nice for you in return than when you nag him or whine). Do I LOVE doing the dishes? Do I LOVE cleaning his dirty clothes off the floor everyday? Do I LOVE waking up on his early Army schedule to make sure he gets a complete breakfast before he starts his day? Usually not! However, the JOY that I get knowing my husband is taken care of and being allowed the opportunity to SHOW my love for him is something I honestly wouldn't give up (no matter how annoyed I get some days :P ).

There are a lot of other topics in this book, but I'm going to leave it to be read! Set-Apart Femininity by Leslie Ludy. PLEASE read it! It has made me realize that God has truly blessed us women with SO much! Over the past year I've really learned to embrace my femininity and use what God has blessed me with as a woman. There is really a lot to be said about Christian womanhood! Embrace it, love it, and use it in the name of our glorious God!