Contentement passe richesse.

I do believe it's official... I've become a snob. My stay in Minnesota, deployment pay and a nice place to live has spoiled me rotten. (Please do not take what I'm about to say offensively, because it's just observations for me personally. I do not believe I'm better than anyone, even if it may sound that way.) From what I have observed, there is a big cultural difference between Minnesota and El Paso. I have the utmost respect for the Mexican culture, but I suspect a lot of the people that have immigrated to El Paso were very poor there, and have sort of brought that with them. The standard of living is SIGNIFICANTLY lower than it is in Minnesota. Sam and I are by NO means rich, in fact statistically we're hovering on the poverty line. I'm VERY good with money and I'm very good at budgeting, which is how we've created a good standard of living for ourselves. But through searching for apartments here I've learned a lot. There is no middle ground around here. It's either REALLY nice and out of our league, or it's a dump in a very scary neighborhood. Our search is of course limited because of our two dogs, which I suspect has a lot to do with the extreme differences in what I've been finding. My apartment up in Minnesota really was perfect for us at our current position in life. Maybe I'm having such a hard time accepting things because I've had to leave a place where I had made myself extremely comfortable. Maybe it's because I was brought up as the daughter of an Air Force officer and expect a basic standard of living. Either way I'm having a VERY difficult time (as I partially expected I would.)

But then I turn around and feel bad for expecting so much. Do I need a newer apartment with a nicely decorated kitchen, new appliances, and aesthetic appeal? No I really don't. Why am I letting all of these materialistic THINGS bring me down? I find nothing wrong with making myself comfortable, I do not feel bad to expect more than a roach infested, dirty, run down apartment. My husband works VERY hard and deserves to have a nice place to come home to. But there it is, that sense of entitlement to THINGS. Maybe it's just because I'm relatively new to making decisions and directing my thoughts towards God, but I'm having a hard time allowing myself to be comfortable while still honoring Him and not my things. Do I consider myself materialistic? No. I have no attachment to things, I really don't. I would trade all of my things in a heart beat if it's what God asked. Would I kick and whine a little? Probably. I just wonder if that's enough. Is it enough to say that? As they say so often, being a Christian is by no means the easy path to take. Following Jesus quite frequently means forcing yourself out of your "comfort zone". Things have never been my comfort zone. Little background story: My dad was rarely ever around. Being in the Air Force frequently took him to different places around the world throughout my entire life. When he would return, he would always have a gift. I'm sure most of you have heard of the "love languages", and gift giving was definitely my dad's way of showing love. But it almost turned into a substitute for love and attention. I have always had practically any THING I've ever wanted. Did I consider myself blessed? Yes. But all the gifts and the presents weren't what I longed for. I now have a very hard time with gift giving because of that. (In case any of you are curious, my love language is words of affirmation and acts of service.) This little fact reminds me of how un-materialistic I've become. Do I wish it could have been different? Yes. But I have something a lot of people don't: a separation in my mind of love and things. As far as living situations and belongings, I've learned to never get attached to much. Having moved around SO much in my life, I've never had that feeling of "home". Home for me is anywhere my family is (my parents and siblings in the past, Sam now). Again, do I wish I could have had more stability in my life? Yes. But I've come to appreciate what I've learned from it. Will I ever be truly un-materialistic? Of course not, we're human and it's in our nature to be sinful creatures. However, through struggle, I have gained a lot and I'm very thankful to have such a good foundation to start a life for Sam and our future family. I don't feel that giving up a basic standard of living is going to take me away from God, as long as I'm still pursuing Him and not just resting in the comfort of my things. I will NEVER find rest in things, only in Him :) What materialistic things we do receive are a gift from God and should be used to glorify Him in some way. And I think as long as I'm able to keep those things in mind, I'll achieve that happy balance (or at least as close as humanly possible).

On a completely unrelated note, it's a very bittersweet feeling being back in El Paso. I'm THOROUGHLY enjoying the sunshine, the warmth, the palm trees and the mountains, but there is so much frustration and hurt along with happy memories of the short time Sam and I actually got to spend married together associated with El Paso. Seeing soldiers with their families sure isn't helping either. It's been proving a lot harder to handle than I was expecting. We are coming down to single digit days left though, so praise God for that! I just can't wait to share my life with Sam again and enjoy all the progress that we've made TOGETHER. :)

(Sorry if this is so all over the place, I've been overwhelmingly emotional lately and have a very difficult time expressing those emotions in a comprehensible way...)