À quelque chose malheur est bon.

I haven't been able to find the words for too long now.  The words to describe what's going on in my life, how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking.  With all the words in the English language, I can't put together anything that seems to fit.  None of it seems strong enough.  I can tell you my life is being turned upside down.  The end result is something I'm unsure of.  I find myself sitting in wait once again clutching on to God's promise that He will guide me, He will lead me, and the path He puts me on will be for GOOD.  I've seen Him turn situations that seemed hopeless into a blessing, I can't imagine this to be any different. 

Until I can find the words, I leave you with ancient words that still ring true, because they are truth and life.

Matthew 6:25-34 25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]? 28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Motherhood.

As with many things in life, despite the abundant research and even plenty of time spent watching and caring for children, nothing in the world could have prepared me for what actually being a mother is like.  I feel like my expectations were somewhere between the overly glamorized, happy, warm-fuzzies version and the frazzled, chaotic version seen in movies, commercials and plastered all over magazines and billboards.  While I envisioned this beautiful, perfect relationship I also feared the inconsolable child who never slept.  Turns out it's really quite a mix of both!  So often my heart is just ready to burst out of my chest with the amount of love I feel for that little girl, yet often in the same day I find myself tearfully begging her to PLEASE just sleep!  It's really not at all what I expected, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

So I've done one for PCSing, how about the things I've learned about motherhood so far.

1. It is possible to shower in a minute.
2. It's amazing how well one can function on less than 3 hours of sleep.
3. There is very little you can't do with one hand, but it's usually that one thing that actually needs to be done.
4. The love you have for your husband can momentarily disappear when he wakes the baby after you finally got her to sleep after 2 hours of feeding, rocking and consoling.
5. You can go from requiring 6 meals a day while pregnant, to forgetting to eat at all in about a week.
6. No matter how independent or stubborn you are, receiving any and all help that is offered is key to survival.
7. You realize you had more confidence in your abilities as an adolescent than you do as mother.
8. Going anywhere is an event, and usually takes more time to get ready than it does to get to your destination.
9. You will get every bodily fluid known to man on your clothing, and you will truly stop caring.
10. Before having children you feel like you know NO ONE without a child, yet when you have a baby you suddenly feel like you know NO ONE who does.  (Or at least no one with babies)

It's hard.  It's exhausting.  It's emotionally, physically and spiritually taxing.  There is literally nothing in this world that could compare.  But in that same way, the smile that melts your heart, the extra snuggle that says you are so very loved and needed, the precious little life sleeping soundly in your arms, the way her eyes light up when she sees you; how can anything in the world compare that?  I love being a mother.  It is truly such an honor to have the chance to just ever so slightly mirror Christ by giving of myself for another.  I can feel myself being refined and molded in this journey, and I know that is never going to stop.  I'm just thankful to have a God willing to provide the strength, wisdom and grace needed to get through it!

Un don

I started this on Facebook, but I feel it's probably more appropriate here. Might as well actually use this thing, right? Right.

God gave me the gift of compassion.  I have a very deep and sincere desire to help anyone I can.  I try to bring positivity to others even when that is farthest from how I'm feeling.

But some days it's very hard for me to see the Light when surrounded by people harboring so much anger, hate, negativity and darkness.  Some days I can't stand how much it hurts when I'm met with confrontation, ridicule, and rejection.  I honestly don't understand how a person can do such a thing to another person.

I am a lot more sensitive than I appear.

I care about my friends more than I know how to express. Time and distance does not lessen my fondness of a person, even when I'm frequently not met with the same sentiments.

Sometimes I feel I've lost my voice and gained invisibility. 

Sometimes I truly wish I could care a little less.  

But who am I to reject a gift from God?

I wish I wasn't having one of those days.