God has really been presenting me with a lot of things this month. These things include cultivating meaningful relationships, preventing self isolation (and in turn complete self absorption...) and using the 'mountains' in my life to come closer to Him. Oddly enough, all of these had also been themes in my Bible study... and seem to be popping up in almost ever aspect of my life. (God knows He has to be completely upfront about His will for me, I'm a little slow.) As I've said in the last who-knows-how-many posts, I'm having a rough patch in my life right now. Between my dislike for my location, my difficulty with fertility (as eluded to in this post), my lack of fulfillment from being just a housewife and my overall feeling of isolation, it has been a period of transition, of growth and of struggle. I came to a point where I truly just did not understand what God was doing to me! But then it hit me, it's not Him. He is always faithful. However, I am rather impatient, stubborn, proud, self absorbed, and the list goes on... Instead of being proactive and actively searching for His will for me, I sit dwelling in my own self pity wondering when things will happen for me. Unfortunately this is a real nasty side effect of depression (not that it's overly pleasant to deal with as it is). When I become depressed, I shut down and shut everything out. Maybe it was because expressing emotions was considered an awkward event in my household, maybe it is my pride, but for whatever reason I have a VERY hard time reaching out to people when I am in need. The only right thing I do is reach out, no, cry out to God. "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18 And boy is it true, because those really are the moments where I am overwhelmed by His awesomeness. Those moments make the despair worth it, but I thought to myself what can I do to prevent suffer and despair for problems my mind has blown completely out of proportion? How can I stop pushing people out of my life, and indulge in the fellowship that we as humans need? How can I set myself free from this self isolation? By turning to God in the first place and having FAITH in Him. Calling out to Him and praising Him in times of good and bad. As we talked about in my group, everyone has and will always have 'mountains', the bumps along the road, the things that cause us grief, it's how we USE those mountains and what we turn to that really matter. I'm more than aware of how God uses mountains to draw you closer than ever. However, my reaction and my perspective of these mountains in my life right now is hardly conducive to spiritual growth. I need to start turning to Him and truly letting go of my burdens instead of grasping onto them and trying to do it myself. I need to learn to trust: trust Him as well as others. I need to train my perspective and look at problems with a faithful hope instead of catastrophizing everything as I so often do. I need to pray for others and find more opportunities to serve instead of getting trapped in a rut of 'me me me me me'. I need to keep my temper in check, it really doesn't help anything. I need to be THANKFUL and count my blessing instead of my shortcomings. I need to stop comparing myself to everyone else. I need to be who God wants me to be instead of who I think (think being the key word here) everyone else wants me to be.
My faith has been a very recent work in progress, and I now sincerely hope it stays in progress because I never want to become stagnant. I used to think my Christian friends were these amazing super humans who had it 100% together and I thought because I was not even remotely close, I had no hope. In reaching out, I have learned that I am not even remotely alone in this, because those super humans do not exist. God isn't asking me to be perfect. God isn't asking me to follow every ritual, know every song, or know every word in the Bible by memory. All He wants is my heart.
On a side note, I am very excited that this month is coming to a close. There's still plenty of things coming up for us, but I will be ready to just settle for a little and let all of this craziness be over. Sam's erratic schedule from going back and forth with field training ALL MONTH has been a lot more draining than 2 straight weeks away from home. Next weekend we are moving into our house, and although I am VERY excited for this, I've also been putting off packing thinking of all the stresses that come with moving (again....). Since Sam is pretty much not able to help, I'm left to do it by myself for the 4th time in the past 2 years. Luckily it is a local move and there are no time constraints! I fully intend to take my time, unless my excitement takes over and I just do it all.
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2 comments:
Keep pressing into Him, my friend! Sometimes finding His will seems so hard and confusing... I'm experiencing some of that frustration myself now. I was reminded this weekend of the commands to "take up your cross and follow me" and "lay down your life"... if I'm doing that in every situation, no matter how mundane or amazing or hopeless it may seem, He will be glorified. I so appreciate your vulnerability, my dear, and am praying for you!
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