Patience.

If asked, I would never claim that I am a patient person, although I would tell you that I can be more patient than some. I'm willing to let someone in front of me while driving, I'm willing to wait a little longer than expected without causing a fuss, and I'm willing to do things I consider courteous and patient. Little did I truly know how impatient I am! I've never considered myself spoiled because I never expected things, but I did generally get everything I wanted almost as soon as I wanted it. I rarely had to work for things, wait for things, especially things I wanted SO badly. Now that I'm confronted with something I want more than almost anything, I find myself horribly impatient and just flat out upset that I'm not just getting it. I get really disappointed with myself, yet I just can't help but want to scream, kick and whine about not getting what I want! It's especially hard when it seems like everyone else is getting the thing I want, even if they didn't necessarily want it. God is rarely early, but never late, right? If this is His will like I thought it was, He is MORE than capable of making it work out. So why do I still find myself doubting Him??? Why do I still worry if it's EVER going to happen? Why do I doubt that whatever plan He has chosen for me will be the best plan for me? Ahh the sinful nature of the human! Although I sunk into quite a depression this past weekend, I'm trying to come out of this as positive and hopeful as possible. As our theme was for today at VBS, God gives us hope!

Ultimately, I think this comes down to an issue I posted about before, which is letting go of control. I am most definitely a control freak. I need things to go how I want, when I want, exactly as I want. Little by little I have been letting go of things, but I still cling to that control for dear life. Luckily we have a God who loves us and has every intention of taking great care of us when we live following His will. With that, I leave you with a verse. It's a popular one, but it's one I look to frequently for reassurance :)

" So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

What to do...

I've been having a hard time lately with my home. Every little thing has just been bugging me lately. Not having a place to put things, not knowing what would look good, what random piece of furniture might look best where, not having enough space, and more importantly, lacking any and all creativity to even begin to know what to do with a space I have no control over. It's driving me crazy! I don't have a job, I can't find a job, nor do I have kids which makes now the perfect (and potentially only) opportunity to really work at this. I have to say, I am proud of what Sam and I have accomplished. When we got married, we literally started with nothing but a blow up mattress, a chair and an end table originally used for camping... We lacked the advantage many other couples have with a wedding shower. I'm trying to continuously keep that in perspective when I look at my home, but I still feel we're falling behind the curve. I just don't know what to do! I can't find rest in my home anymore. I finally feel like an adult, but I feel like everything else is trailing behind. My home makes me feel like I'm still an adolescent with a disheveled mess, hand-me-down mismatching furniture, and a need to re-arrange priorities or something. I suspect part of this is my perfectionism, my OCD and my new-found desire to live like the adult I feel I am. Part of it, I'm sure, is also from my addiction to home-making blogs and TV shows... Is it wrong of me to long for a place I can come home to and feel at peace? Sam really doesn't care, he would be plenty happy with a complete mess, but I still feel like I'm letting him down as a wife. It IS my job. I feel like I should be providing a nice place for him to come home to, and I'm failing miserably.

Another part of this is my complete and utter displeasure with renting apartments. I'm so sick of apartments! The very little creativity and ideas I do have isn't allowed. I'm sick of being limited. I'm sick of hearing every single footstep, noise and movement all around me. I'm sick of being woken up constantly throughout the night by rude neighbors, cars driving by in the parking lot and maintenance men using leaf blowers at 8 AM... I'm sick of constantly worrying about finding a parking spot when I come home with a load of groceries. I'm ESPECIALLY sick of having to take my dogs outside to go in the rocks. I want to give them grass! I want a space of my own to express myself, a place I can go for quiet, (hopefully) a place I can actually sleep in through the night. It's just another one of those 'big girl steps' I feel like I'm missing out on. Sam and I are ready to buy a house, but not knowing how long we're going to be in one location on top of a horrible housing market is preventing us from getting to do so.

All of this has left me feeling anxious. I was excited to have Sam home again because I thought it would finally feel like we weren't in transition anymore, but we're just in another step of transition. I hate having to force things to wait, things I so desperately want, because I'm waiting for ______(insert event here)______ to happen. I can truly empathize with the Israelites wandering the desert for 40 years wondering when things will ever be stable. I sincerely hope I don't complain, second guess, and disobey God as often, but I suspect that might not be so. I don't consider myself an impatient person, but I've learned I'm not particularly a patient person either. I have never truly known stability, but I'm not used to this level of instability.

(I do apologize, I know this post is very scattered, but I had to organize my thoughts even a tiny bit.)