Letting go...

I've been facing a big issue recently, and I think it's time to learn to just let go. Hi my name is Lauren and I'm a control freak. I admit it. I have a hard time letting go of control. I have always been this way for as long as I can remember. NO ONE can do anything as well as I can, so I might as well just do it myself, right? I even have a hard time letting my fully capable husband drive my Jeep. I ESPECIALLY have a hard time delegating chores and end up just doing them myself (otherwise I have to go back and fix everything...). I'm tired. I'm worn out solely from that little fact of not being able to let go. It's taking a huge toll on me mentally AND physically. I am NOT the one who should be in control. Of course I have to take personal responsibility and control (to extent) of my life, but ultimately it's not ME that's doing that. I think that's been my hardest step in faith, relinquishing control and trusting that God will provide. That is such a HUGE step too. I have made significant progress solely recognizing this fact and acting upon it when I catch myself second-guessing Him. I'm a very independent person, I was raised this way. I was fully capable of not only taking care of myself, but my little sister as well, by age 10. This was mostly due to the fact that I really wasn't given a choice. I have a hard time trusting and allowing myself to depend on others because I had been let down SO many times before (typical, right?). Who am I to suggest that our AMAZING God who remains constant and faithful to US would let me down? He has never given me a reason to think so, nor will He ever, yet I constantly find myself surrounded in fear and doubt. I will never be able to fully control my life, I will never be able to fully control a person, I will never be able to fully control my circumstances nor will I ever be able to fully control even small stupid tasks in ever day life. Of course I'm not going to be OUT of control either, but that's not the point. I need to let go. I need to get out of this childish cycle of expecting things to go my way all the time. I need to trust others. But more importantly I need to trust in GOD.

So, starting now, I'm going to set goals for myself (and include my husband in on this as well):

1) I'm going to pick 2 chores to delegate to Sam; I'm not going to nag, remind, or harass about these chores; I'm not going to go back over and re-do everything he did
2) I'm going to let Sam drive
3) I'm going to let go of my unwarranted insecurities
4) I'm going to let myself relax

My incessant need to constantly be in control is leading to increased insomnia, stress and muscle tension. I'm losing feeling in my arms because of my back again... I shouldn't be doing this to myself at 21 years old and I suspect if I don't make changes now I'm going to pay for it big time when I'm older. Plus, as I mentioned earlier, it's preventing me from getting closer to God. I suspect these will not be easy goals for me, but I will remain determined! Wish me luck ;)

Joyeux Anniversaire

On this day, 5 years ago (although I'm about 2 hours off...) a precious little girl was born. This is a very tough subject for me even still, which is why I don't bring it up very often. Isabelle has brought Sam and I both more than I could have ever imagined. She's beautiful, she's extremely intelligent, she's charismatic, she's creative, and let's be honest, like most 'parents' look at their children, borderline perfect and special in every way. Isabelle may have been the result of some poor decisions on our part, but I have never and will never view any of it as a 'mistake'. God's timing, as always, is perfect. It was by NO means in MY timing, but it happened and it changed my life and took me off of a very self destructive path. It united Sam and I more than I could have ever dreamed. And, it brought a GREAT family into our lives that we would have never met otherwise. My heart aches every moment of every day for that girl, something I was warned, but never really understood. I cry tears of joy and sadness all at the same time when I hear about all the things going on in her life. But today is a day of celebration, even though I get a tinge of sadness. Today is the recognition of the birth of a wonderful gift from God for so many. :)