Veteran's Day

I have to confess, something I've learned about being a military wife is that it is VERY easy to become resentful and bitter. It is easy to blame your husband for your sometimes crappy circumstances. It is easy to become angry with him for the crazy hours. And during deployments, all of these things can easily become amplified. I've recently been struggling with blame. As some know, Sam volunteered to be moved to a unit that was deploying to Iraq just a few months out of training. When he told me, devastated doesn't quite encompass all that I was feeling. Why would he VOLUNTEER??? Why would he leave the comfortable rear-detachment unit (the part of the unit that is left home while the rest is deployed somewhere) with easy hours and no deployment for at least 3-4 YEARS??? We were very newly married! Didn't he want to spend that time with me? Luckily, with God on my side, we made it through that deployment relatively unscathed and in a better position than we started out. However, also as most of you know, Sam returned home with a lot more than I was anticipating. It has been a struggle. We are still struggling and will probably continue to struggle with this for quite awhile, but praise God things are at least on an upswing. But I find myself thinking some not so nice things about Sam. How could he push me to such lengths for a deployment that HE volunteered for, and now brings me back all of this to deal with? It just didn't seem fair! Last night I had a dream so vivid it's really given me a renewed sense of perspective (just in time for Veteran's day oddly enough). In my dream Sam was on his next deployment (which is set for this time next year...) and was KIA (killed in action). When I found out, I was CRUSHED. However, shortly after, I found out I had a choice. I had the choice to keep him here with me where he could interact, but would be more like a spirit than the husband I had before. Or, I could let him go to be where he's supposed to and accept that he's with God and doing something more important. In my dream I honestly couldn't decide. I wanted my husband so badly, but I knew he was needed elsewhere. When I woke up with tears running down my face, I just had to sit for a second to absorb what just happened. Of course aspects of it are very dream-like, but I firmly believe I was being told something. My husband is a soldier. I believe God's plan for Sam IS for him to be a soldier. As a soldier, Sam has committed to protect our country, even at the cost of his family and potentially even his life. Sam truly does want to make an impact and help in any way that he can with this career. Why it is so easy to forget these things, I don't know. But today I woke up feeling the same thing I felt the morning after his homecoming, a deep and sincere appreciation solely for his presence next to me. I am extremely proud of my husband. I appreciate everything he has done and is still doing for me and for our country. His selflessness never ceases to amaze me. I am in love with and forever thankful for my veteran! Although I am HARDLY looking forward to him deploying again within a year, especially since it still feels like he just got back (even though it's been 8 months), I know God has a plan for each tour he does and I will continue to pray and support Sam even if it is less than ideal for me.