Contenment.

As I mentioned in my last post, I've been struggling to let go of control, trust that God has me where He needs me to be and finding ways to be content with where I am. But seriously, when I say struggling, I really mean struggling. I've never been a huge fan of El Paso for many reasons, but I swear I'm finding more and more reasons everyday. My recent issue is my diet. I've been trying SO hard to find moderately adequate (at best...) produce. Unfortunately, I am living in the desert. We don't HAVE in season produce because no produce can successfully grow here. So I'm left relying on grocery stores, and I cringe to say, the sorry produce at the commissary on base. Relying on those things are not the worst thing, but I know what homegrown fruits and vegetables taste like, and the bitter, rock hard fruits and wilted, aged vegetables are so far from it I tend to be forced to skip the produce aisle altogether. The worst part is, I don't know if there really is a solution, unless I drive a day either way and hope to find some green farm land. It just makes me sad reading all the articles about buying grass-fed meats and eating fresh, locally grown produce just knowing that I literally have no options unless I plan to spend more than I can afford, or drive hours to find options, which is also something I really can't afford. I wish someone would write a blog about eating and living naturally in the desert :(

Although this is a legitimate issue that is bothering, it really comes down to my location. My dad once told me that your location has nothing to do with your happiness, but I severely disagree. I understand what he meant, you'll always find faults in places and you need to find happiness within yourself, but El Paso has GOT to be the exception. No good food, very few things to do, and completely isolated for miles and MILES, among many things. I feel so STUCK. I literally have to remind myself everyday why I am here. I'm here because I made a vow to support my husband and follow him wherever the Army may take him. For better or for worse, right? El Paso is definitely one of those 'worse' moments, but I really am trying to take everything I can from it.

Which brings me to the less whiny part of the post (because I'm determined to always write something hopeful). I have started coming to the conclusion that maybe God is using these situations to give me a better understanding of all the things I had that I never appreciated before. Ever since we moved up to Minnesota from Alabama I wanted nothing more than to move away. My entire adolescent years were spent planning my escape. I ridiculed all those planning to stay. Now here I am, about as far from that state as you can probably get in this country, and I want absolutely nothing more than to go back. I miss the weather (yes, even the winters), I miss the green, I miss the farm lands and good food, I miss all the things to do, I miss the people, and not just my friends and family (but don't get me wrong, I miss them TERRIBLY) but I miss the Midwestern friendliness! You never know what you have until it's gone, right? I know I keep saying this, but I have to remind even myself to try and find something, anything, that I can learn from my experiences. God has a plan for me, and God is always faithful. I may not like where I am right now, I may not like waiting, I may not like a lot of things, but God's plans are always in my best interest. God's will is not to trick me, deceive me or drag me through bad situations just because. God knows what He's doing, and He knows what I need way before I know it. He has shown me what He can do time and time again, yet I still can't let go of that control. I may not be happy, but I am dead set and determined to find joy in His plan (yes even here in El Paso...), that way in the future, I can look back with fondness and remember what I was able to learn.

Contentement passe richesse.

I do believe it's official... I've become a snob. My stay in Minnesota, deployment pay and a nice place to live has spoiled me rotten. (Please do not take what I'm about to say offensively, because it's just observations for me personally. I do not believe I'm better than anyone, even if it may sound that way.) From what I have observed, there is a big cultural difference between Minnesota and El Paso. I have the utmost respect for the Mexican culture, but I suspect a lot of the people that have immigrated to El Paso were very poor there, and have sort of brought that with them. The standard of living is SIGNIFICANTLY lower than it is in Minnesota. Sam and I are by NO means rich, in fact statistically we're hovering on the poverty line. I'm VERY good with money and I'm very good at budgeting, which is how we've created a good standard of living for ourselves. But through searching for apartments here I've learned a lot. There is no middle ground around here. It's either REALLY nice and out of our league, or it's a dump in a very scary neighborhood. Our search is of course limited because of our two dogs, which I suspect has a lot to do with the extreme differences in what I've been finding. My apartment up in Minnesota really was perfect for us at our current position in life. Maybe I'm having such a hard time accepting things because I've had to leave a place where I had made myself extremely comfortable. Maybe it's because I was brought up as the daughter of an Air Force officer and expect a basic standard of living. Either way I'm having a VERY difficult time (as I partially expected I would.)

But then I turn around and feel bad for expecting so much. Do I need a newer apartment with a nicely decorated kitchen, new appliances, and aesthetic appeal? No I really don't. Why am I letting all of these materialistic THINGS bring me down? I find nothing wrong with making myself comfortable, I do not feel bad to expect more than a roach infested, dirty, run down apartment. My husband works VERY hard and deserves to have a nice place to come home to. But there it is, that sense of entitlement to THINGS. Maybe it's just because I'm relatively new to making decisions and directing my thoughts towards God, but I'm having a hard time allowing myself to be comfortable while still honoring Him and not my things. Do I consider myself materialistic? No. I have no attachment to things, I really don't. I would trade all of my things in a heart beat if it's what God asked. Would I kick and whine a little? Probably. I just wonder if that's enough. Is it enough to say that? As they say so often, being a Christian is by no means the easy path to take. Following Jesus quite frequently means forcing yourself out of your "comfort zone". Things have never been my comfort zone. Little background story: My dad was rarely ever around. Being in the Air Force frequently took him to different places around the world throughout my entire life. When he would return, he would always have a gift. I'm sure most of you have heard of the "love languages", and gift giving was definitely my dad's way of showing love. But it almost turned into a substitute for love and attention. I have always had practically any THING I've ever wanted. Did I consider myself blessed? Yes. But all the gifts and the presents weren't what I longed for. I now have a very hard time with gift giving because of that. (In case any of you are curious, my love language is words of affirmation and acts of service.) This little fact reminds me of how un-materialistic I've become. Do I wish it could have been different? Yes. But I have something a lot of people don't: a separation in my mind of love and things. As far as living situations and belongings, I've learned to never get attached to much. Having moved around SO much in my life, I've never had that feeling of "home". Home for me is anywhere my family is (my parents and siblings in the past, Sam now). Again, do I wish I could have had more stability in my life? Yes. But I've come to appreciate what I've learned from it. Will I ever be truly un-materialistic? Of course not, we're human and it's in our nature to be sinful creatures. However, through struggle, I have gained a lot and I'm very thankful to have such a good foundation to start a life for Sam and our future family. I don't feel that giving up a basic standard of living is going to take me away from God, as long as I'm still pursuing Him and not just resting in the comfort of my things. I will NEVER find rest in things, only in Him :) What materialistic things we do receive are a gift from God and should be used to glorify Him in some way. And I think as long as I'm able to keep those things in mind, I'll achieve that happy balance (or at least as close as humanly possible).

On a completely unrelated note, it's a very bittersweet feeling being back in El Paso. I'm THOROUGHLY enjoying the sunshine, the warmth, the palm trees and the mountains, but there is so much frustration and hurt along with happy memories of the short time Sam and I actually got to spend married together associated with El Paso. Seeing soldiers with their families sure isn't helping either. It's been proving a lot harder to handle than I was expecting. We are coming down to single digit days left though, so praise God for that! I just can't wait to share my life with Sam again and enjoy all the progress that we've made TOGETHER. :)

(Sorry if this is so all over the place, I've been overwhelmingly emotional lately and have a very difficult time expressing those emotions in a comprehensible way...)

My impending move...

I haven't posted in awhile, and felt it was probably time. (I've barely started and I'm already pulling the "Oh, I'll write about it tomorrow" haha). Today is not necessarily or rant, just thoughts.

As some of you know, I am officially moving back to El Paso, TX to rejoin my husband (when he gets back from his deployment of course) at his duty station Fort Bliss (believe me, the name is completely ironic) on February the 15th 2010. Sam should be arriving sometime after that. I am completely overjoyed, ecstatic, thrilled, and any other very positive word you can think of to have my husband home with me again after a very long year without him. A year doesn't always seem like such a long time, but when your spouse is halfway across the world in a dangerous area, they are the longest 365 days of your LIFE. However, I am admittedly not looking forward to the reality that we're going back to El Paso for 5 years... Moving alone, again, driving 1600 miles alone, again, is not something I'm particularly looking forward to either, but I will get through it just like I had done in the past. Oh the things you do for love, right?

El Paso. What can I say El Paso. To start, the commonly used nickname is "Hell Paso" and I can't particularly argue with it. It's dry, it's really rather barren, and it's dirty. "Well duh Lauren, aren't all deserts dirty" Yes, but not like El Paso. When you go out, even to just go grocery shopping, you WILL return with completely black feet from the dirt. The first 2 weeks you're there, you will be sick (swollen tonsils/adenoids, cough and runny nose) because Juarez (less than 5 minutes away) has no pollution laws. Crime is very high too. Most people (including myself before I moved there) are completely oblivious to what's going on in Juarez, because it's really very grim. No need to necessarily go to Africa to see slums, just drive along I-10W/I-25N if you're ever in the area and you'll see enough to make you wonder where you are. There is a huge drug problem, which brings on a lot of violence. So when people ask me how I can NOT be looking forward to going south during the winter, how can I really be complaining about a city that has palm trees, THAT is how. However, not ALL of El Paso is like that, because there really is always two sides. There ARE nice parts that Sam and I plan on taking advantage of since we discovered it shortly before he left.

Also, I supposed Sam in everything he does, whether it's necessarily what I had planned or not. He currently is planning on re-enlisting. The plan as it stands right now is that he'll re-sign up with ADA, we'll get another decent chunk of money as a bonus, but that's another 5 years in. We CHOSE El Paso again. Why, might you ask? Because when your options are Fort Sill, Oklahoma and Fort Bragg, North Carolina, you realize comparatively El Paso is sadly the best choice. We both decided this was the best choice. We're planning on having kids, we need reliable medical coverage and a stable income. Going into the civilian world is going to be a difficult enough transition for Sam I think, I don't want to make that more difficult making him have to worry about a new baby, especially without a degree. He does plan to take advantage of his G.I. Bill while he's in the Army and will be getting a degree and hopefully becoming an officer within the next few years. That's the tentative plan right now.

So then there's the big question: Will there still be a chance of a deployment? Absolutely. We should at least have a year, which is better than no guarantee. That thought absolutely terrifies me. I made it through this deployment in one piece, but I'm scared that piece will crumble during another year long deployment. Luckily Sam will no longer be VOLUNTEERING himself for deployments. He's learned his lesson on that one. I know I keep talking about this, but as challenging and awful as this deployment has been, Sam and I have really gained a lot. We have better communication skills than some even 30 year marriages can boast. We've learned how to keep romance alive during a 2 hour internet conversation. No hugging, no kissing, no candle light dinners, no snuggling, and no intimacy. The loss of those things alone have been the end of quite a few marriages these days. We've both learned to really trust the Lord, because at times that's honestly all we've had, and I have to tell you shedding everything and turning to the comfort of God is AMAZING. The amount of love we're capable of receiving from Him surprised even me. It's changed my life. I believed He existed before, but I can't live without His presence in my life anymore and I love it. Now I can't wait to experience that WITH my husband. I have high hopes for his return, but I have to admit I sometimes allow the shadow of that potential 2nd deployment to loom over my excitement. But, now at least I've learned that all I can really do is trust in God because He always comes through. Plus, by the time a 2nd deployment is around, we'll hopefully have a little Hipp running around to keep me distracted.... :)

Am I nervous for moving, re-enlistment, another deployment? You better believe it. Am I getting a little stressed? Yes, but not as stressed as I've been in the past. Do I know that God will provide and make a way for everything that's in our best interest? Absolutely.