Contentement passe richesse.

I do believe it's official... I've become a snob. My stay in Minnesota, deployment pay and a nice place to live has spoiled me rotten. (Please do not take what I'm about to say offensively, because it's just observations for me personally. I do not believe I'm better than anyone, even if it may sound that way.) From what I have observed, there is a big cultural difference between Minnesota and El Paso. I have the utmost respect for the Mexican culture, but I suspect a lot of the people that have immigrated to El Paso were very poor there, and have sort of brought that with them. The standard of living is SIGNIFICANTLY lower than it is in Minnesota. Sam and I are by NO means rich, in fact statistically we're hovering on the poverty line. I'm VERY good with money and I'm very good at budgeting, which is how we've created a good standard of living for ourselves. But through searching for apartments here I've learned a lot. There is no middle ground around here. It's either REALLY nice and out of our league, or it's a dump in a very scary neighborhood. Our search is of course limited because of our two dogs, which I suspect has a lot to do with the extreme differences in what I've been finding. My apartment up in Minnesota really was perfect for us at our current position in life. Maybe I'm having such a hard time accepting things because I've had to leave a place where I had made myself extremely comfortable. Maybe it's because I was brought up as the daughter of an Air Force officer and expect a basic standard of living. Either way I'm having a VERY difficult time (as I partially expected I would.)

But then I turn around and feel bad for expecting so much. Do I need a newer apartment with a nicely decorated kitchen, new appliances, and aesthetic appeal? No I really don't. Why am I letting all of these materialistic THINGS bring me down? I find nothing wrong with making myself comfortable, I do not feel bad to expect more than a roach infested, dirty, run down apartment. My husband works VERY hard and deserves to have a nice place to come home to. But there it is, that sense of entitlement to THINGS. Maybe it's just because I'm relatively new to making decisions and directing my thoughts towards God, but I'm having a hard time allowing myself to be comfortable while still honoring Him and not my things. Do I consider myself materialistic? No. I have no attachment to things, I really don't. I would trade all of my things in a heart beat if it's what God asked. Would I kick and whine a little? Probably. I just wonder if that's enough. Is it enough to say that? As they say so often, being a Christian is by no means the easy path to take. Following Jesus quite frequently means forcing yourself out of your "comfort zone". Things have never been my comfort zone. Little background story: My dad was rarely ever around. Being in the Air Force frequently took him to different places around the world throughout my entire life. When he would return, he would always have a gift. I'm sure most of you have heard of the "love languages", and gift giving was definitely my dad's way of showing love. But it almost turned into a substitute for love and attention. I have always had practically any THING I've ever wanted. Did I consider myself blessed? Yes. But all the gifts and the presents weren't what I longed for. I now have a very hard time with gift giving because of that. (In case any of you are curious, my love language is words of affirmation and acts of service.) This little fact reminds me of how un-materialistic I've become. Do I wish it could have been different? Yes. But I have something a lot of people don't: a separation in my mind of love and things. As far as living situations and belongings, I've learned to never get attached to much. Having moved around SO much in my life, I've never had that feeling of "home". Home for me is anywhere my family is (my parents and siblings in the past, Sam now). Again, do I wish I could have had more stability in my life? Yes. But I've come to appreciate what I've learned from it. Will I ever be truly un-materialistic? Of course not, we're human and it's in our nature to be sinful creatures. However, through struggle, I have gained a lot and I'm very thankful to have such a good foundation to start a life for Sam and our future family. I don't feel that giving up a basic standard of living is going to take me away from God, as long as I'm still pursuing Him and not just resting in the comfort of my things. I will NEVER find rest in things, only in Him :) What materialistic things we do receive are a gift from God and should be used to glorify Him in some way. And I think as long as I'm able to keep those things in mind, I'll achieve that happy balance (or at least as close as humanly possible).

On a completely unrelated note, it's a very bittersweet feeling being back in El Paso. I'm THOROUGHLY enjoying the sunshine, the warmth, the palm trees and the mountains, but there is so much frustration and hurt along with happy memories of the short time Sam and I actually got to spend married together associated with El Paso. Seeing soldiers with their families sure isn't helping either. It's been proving a lot harder to handle than I was expecting. We are coming down to single digit days left though, so praise God for that! I just can't wait to share my life with Sam again and enjoy all the progress that we've made TOGETHER. :)

(Sorry if this is so all over the place, I've been overwhelmingly emotional lately and have a very difficult time expressing those emotions in a comprehensible way...)

Bridezillas

This post has absolutely nothing to do with the show, but I felt the name was completely appropriate for the title of this blog. While watching TLC (my former favorite TV station...) I watched the show "Say Yes to the Dress". I had read the info on it and thought watching a show about shopping for a wedding dress just CAN'T be that bad. Oh boy was I wrong. Women had budgets of sometimes over $10000! ON A DRESS! A dress that truly will (or at least should be) worn only once in a lifetime. I'm admittedly jealous that there are people in the world who can frivolously spend their money like that, but at the same time I start to question where their heart is. Which got me thinking on modern weddings, and when I say modern I really mean within the last 20-30 years. (I won't even begin to touch marriage in general as seen by the masses).

Sam and I did not truly have a "wedding". We were married in front of a justice of the peace with Sam's parents and his battle buddies in AIT. Therefore, I recognize I may not be the biggest expert on the subject, however I think every woman has knowledge of a wedding and how everything works. Simply stated, I think society has taken things too far. I think WAY too much is expected of weddings and I think people are once again COMPLETELY missing the point. I see a lot of these women on all of these shows fretting over the color of the napkins, the color of the lights, what type of chair the guest is sitting on and I think it's absolutely ridiculous. I also think there is WAY too much involved as far as etiquette goes as well. That could very well be a generational thing for me though. Personally, I don't think a wedding should be something that causes stress and anxiety. I understand there is work involved, and I find nothing wrong in that, but losing your mind over petty details instead of focusing and celebrating the fact that you are about to be MARRIED is just sad. I also don't understand the need and almost expectation to invite 300 people, half of which you've never actually met. I think a wedding is a very intimate ceremony, I think close family and friends should be invited, but I don't think the invitation list should become excessive. I understand the importance of having family present, I really wish we had been able to, but at the same time there really is taking it WAY overboard. And lastly, I think there is too much emphasis on having an elaborate wedding. For awhile I was concerned that not having a wedding ceremony would make it feel like Sam and I aren't truly married, but I was proven wrong. We are no more or less married than anyone who did have a wedding ceremony. Although we do plan on doing something eventually in order to be able to include our family and friends, I think there is way too much pressure to spend the money on a big lavish ceremony.

Seeing society with spiritual eyes really makes me sick. Plus, as I previously mentioned, I'm not going to even touch what society has turned a marriage into.