Praying with feeling.

I love the story of David.  He is by far one of my favorite people in the Bible.  I get him.  Even through those ancient words, I really feel like I understand his heart, and am wired very similarly myself.  He came from modest origins, was just up and anointed king by Samuel yet proceeded back to his sheep, he was forced on the run by a king turned crazy, but had faith in God's plan for him every step of the way.  He was far from perfect, but always sought to reconcile himself with his God.  Do I even need to bring up Goliath? 

But his heart!  I can just feel his anguish, I can feel his overwhelming joy, and his prayer life with God in a time before Jesus, before having the Holy Spirit in each of God's people.  THAT is what I love most about David.  So many Psalms just openly pouring out his love for his God, and I can feel everything behind every word.  I'm a very emotional, passionate person and the fact that one favored by God was the same way makes me feel a little less crazy.  I too have always poured my heart out before God, but when it was made aware to me that many people don't do this, I actually began to worry I was "doing prayer wrong".  I was still pretty new in my faith, and was still finding myself looking to others to show me how to be a "proper Christian", but I actually let it get to me.  Then I read through Samuel and 2 Samuel.  I read about David literally dancing for joy in the streets, I read how he sought out the remaining descendants of Saul specifically to show God's kindness to them, I read stories of how he would weep and fast, faced the consequences of his sins, yet would always praise the Lord with all his heart even when faced with unimaginable difficulties.  It all just resonated so clearly to me, and I felt I needed to take note of that.

I never want to know a prayer life that is any different.  I never want to grow ashamed of constantly crying to God, emptying my heart for Him to see, hiding absolutely nothing.  I trust Him with my pain, I thank Him for everything, and I LOVE my Lord with all my heart.  And now I leave you with a Psalm.  Psalm 138:

¹ I will praise you, Lord, with all my heart;
    before the “gods” I will sing your praise.
² I will bow down toward your holy temple
    and will praise your name
    for your unfailing love and your faithfulness,
for you have so exalted your solemn decree
    that it surpasses your fame.
³ When I called, you answered me;
    you greatly emboldened me.

⁴ May all the kings of the earth praise you, Lord,
    when they hear what you have decreed.
⁵ May they sing of the ways of the Lord,
    for the glory of the Lord is great.

⁶ Though the Lord is exalted, he looks kindly on the lowly;
    though lofty, he sees them from afar.
⁷ Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
    you preserve my life.
You stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes;
    with your right hand you save me.
⁸ The Lord will vindicate me;
    your love, Lord, endures forever—
    do not abandon the works of your hands.

Fellowship.

I must confess, I have always been that girl that's kind of strange.  In childhood I had my share of friends, but I was never popular.  I marched to the beat of my own drum, if you will.  The Internet was the most amazing invention for me because it allowed me to use my written words instead of my often jumbled speech to connect with people who feel the same way.  None of this has changed for me, but my needs and my beliefs have.  I had always underestimated the importance of having someone in your life you can count on to physically be there when you need them.  When I was first saved, I thought for sure I didn't have to share with anyone in my spiritual journey, because between God and myself we have this covered, right?    I've been shown day after day how very untrue that is.  So let me start from the beginning.

I have trust issues.  Pretty profound ones.  I feel it probably makes me come off as uninterested, cold, or maybe even snobbish; attributes I know I do not possess.  I have been severely hurt by people I have trusted through my life, and although I won't go into the details because it would make this blog post 5 pages long, just know I carry the hurt even to this day.  My current situation is not helping, but that's also another topic for another day.  The point is, my experiences have molded me into an introvert.  I have a very difficult time opening up to people I don't know, or don't know well.  Once I have learned to trust, or have someone I trust I feel I can rely on for support, it's no issue for me whatsoever, but until then, I clam up.  I've become very good at quietly watching, observing, and listening; something I am actually quite thankful I have learned, but I feel has been detrimental to building relationships. Although I am actually a very warm, caring person, I struggle to take that leap to start conversation, or introduce myself. 

With all that being said, I never knew just how important it was to have strong bonds with other people.  Especially in regards to faith and motherhood.  You know that saying "it takes a village" when it comes to parenting?  Oh man did I not understand just how true that is!  I also realized just how stagnant I had become in my spiritual journey when I wasn't going to church, or attending Bible study, or discussing anything with anyone.  Without fellowship, helping hands, people who care, people who will lift you up, people you can count on, life quickly becomes so very empty and fulfilling.  Through all of my struggles, I can't imagine being in the place I'm at now without the help of some seriously amazing women in my life. 

So,  in my year of stepping out in faith, I want to step out in faith and make fellowship more intentional.  I desperately need those relationships, and I have not been very good at allowing them to happen or to nurture the ones I already have.  One step that I am taking to achieve this is to (attempt) to attend the (in)RL conference.  To meet and connect with like-minded women in a completely vulnerable setting (although I do know some people going :) ) I know this isn't exactly a high-traffic blog, but in the off chance someone else reads this that hasn't seen it, I encourage you to register here to find a meeting spot near you! 

Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward.

2013.  December 31, 2012 was the edge of a cliff of impending doom, but here we are.  And mostly because I have no other choice, I will choose to continue moving forward and not let this break me.  So here it is, my word for the year.

Faith.

Faith is not my gift.  It is required of us as believers, after all how can there be belief without faith, yet I so often lack it.  Whether it's an unwillingness to relinquish control, or just another facet of my trust issues, faith is something I sincerely need to work on, and what a year to begin.  

This year I choose to step out in faith and believe, even when all seems impossible, God will provide.

This year I choose to have faith that God's plan really is good, even if the present moment doesn't feel like it.

This year I choose to have faith that I am loved, I am worthwhile, I am forgiven, I am saved, and I will be OK.

It is going to be hard.  In my weakness I know I will fail, and often, but I thank God for His grace in those moments.

I wish you all a very bonne année et bonne santé!