So I've written plenty about letting go of control in many aspects of my life so God can do many of the things He wants to do. Now my biggest lesson has been letting go of the past. Why we as humans so easily cling on to a past of hurt, shame and fear I really have no idea, but we do. At least I do. I'm also VERY good at holding a lifetime grudge. I like to blame part of this on my impeccable memory making it very difficult to forgive and move on, but I know that's not what it really is. In my Bible study, one of the devotional stories was about a little girl who fell off the bed and cut her leg. When the mother came running to help, the little girl clung on to her cut and looked at her mother with frightened eyes that were saying "don't come any closer!" The best way for the little girl to be helped would obviously be to remove her hand and let her mother help, but her fear keeps her clinging to her wound. I thought that was an amazing visual of exactly what I'm doing. For some reason I cannot remove the hand and allow myself to be healed. If I'm honest with myself, I think it's because I can't see anything I've done as forgivable. I have asked God for forgiveness, but I have not been able to forgive myself and let God throw it in the great big sea of forgetfulness He has solely for our forgiven sins. The woman I am today is NOT the girl I used to be. If my 13, 14 or 15 year old self saw me now, I would not recognize myself. So why is this so hard for me?? I do have reason to be depressed, bitter and cautious, because I have not had a life of sunshine and happiness, but I don't WANT to be and I don't want to let those things bring me to that point. Nothing will be forgotten, because they are all things that have made me stronger and a better person than I was before, but I NEED to release them and hand them over to God. I need to stop treating myself as if I still was that child. I need to forgive myself because God has forgiven me. I need to stop caring about what I think everyone expects me to be and realize that everyone has that something they're not so proud of as well. I need to accept my failures, learn from them and move on instead of dwelling in them. I need to realize that only Jesus was perfect, and I can never be. Most important of all, I need to let go of my stupid pride and allow myself to be transparent. That's not to say I need to give a detailed story of events to any person on the street who asks "how are you?", but I need to stop attempting to apply the face of perfection I have convinced myself is expected of a Christian. I need to LET PEOPLE IN. This is EXTREMELY difficult for me, but any time I do I feel better for it. Especially when there's an opportunity to help someone by doing it.
The other aspect of letting go I have great difficulty with is letting go of past wrongs. When people hurt me, I do not forget. I do not forget exactly what they said, where they said it, and when it was said. When these memories pop into my thoughts, I relive every bit of that hurt as if it was the moment itself. I kid you not, I can still remember all the people who hurt in me in kindergarten. I think because of that, I have an extremely hard time forgiving those people. I dwell in anger from injustice until I get some sort of closure from them. I know this is not right. Just as God has forgiven me, so I need to forgive others. Just like letting go of my own sins, I need to let go of these sins upon me by others. I need to realize that those events should not still control my actions. If I continue to live with the fear of the exact same thing happening all over again, I will continue to hide in self isolation to avoid it at all cost, which forces me to miss out on some really great opportunities. I need to trust that God knows what happened, and He has either forgiven them as well or His righteous justice will play out. I need to trust that He IS the all-sufficient one and He's got my back. I need to learn from these events and move on!
"And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." Mark 11:25
On a side note, I realized I haven't been explaining a lot of my post titles. For any french speaking person, you probably already know what they are, but I remember a lot of old french proverbs I know and I try to use ones that are applicable to the post that I am planning on writing. This one, for example, is "A scalded cat fears cold water" which is like our saying "Once bitten, twice shy". As I was typing the title, I thought I should probably clarify.
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I find more similarities in our lives all the time. I lived a life of invalidation for a very long time. Where, if I was even heard, little that I said made any difference. I was shrugged off as a petulant teenager with little to no value. That turned into serious self-esteem issues that I struggle with to this day. I take things INCREDIBLY personally. The idea that a glance, whisper, or comment could be directed at me makes me almost physically ill. I can not follow the same advice that I would give to anyone else and let things 'roll off my back.' I consider it a true inability. I don't like being told that something that I have done or a part of my life is wrong (but then who does?) and will internalize that to the point of self-destruction. I got a speeding ticket last fall and chose to go to court and fight it in the spring. I was humiliated. I have relived that day a countless amount of times in my head and I relive that same anguish each and every time.
Funny, a lady that we both know posted the following on her Facebook just a few minutes ago and it seems conveniently appropriate:
"as my children were playing a woman once asked me, "What's wrong with them?". My flesh wanted to react in a way that would show her it wasn't right to attack my children for just being. Then I realized her beef wasn't with them, it was with me. The more I thought on it, the more I thought of Ps: 59.9. If Jesus taught us to come as little children, how much more does He DEFEND your children when they are attacked?"
God has your back. Yes ma'am. I come with me, that's all I have. I come with me, my hurt, my misgivings, my faults and my disappointments. I come with my short comings and my foot-in-mouth syndrome closely in tow. That is, to reiterate your statement, that I don't give my life saga to anyone I meet on the street, but I'm pretty much an open book. Sometimes that gets me hurt and the hurt cuts deep. Sometimes letting those walls and fences down allows me to find the greatest friendships I have ever encountered. There is always bad with the good, but there IS good with the bad. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, lean not on YOUR OWN understanding." Prov 3:5.
Love you girlie! My couch is always open.
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