Mask (noun): something that serves to conceal or disguise.

I don't know about you, but I see a lot of people wearing masks every day.  Whether it's a mask of perfection, a mask of power and success, an impenetrable mask of toughness, and especially in the Christian circles of life, a mask of joy.  So many people living day-to-day being the people they feel others expect them to be.  And under no circumstance should those masks be removed!  Right?

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 13 years old.  My training runs deep when it comes to keeping up appearances.  Always look the other way, even if the giant elephant in the room is neon pink and dancing in your face.  I've always been taught to grin and bear it, and always do so with a smile so no one can see the anguish deep down.  It. is. exhausting.  Some days I find myself wanting to scream out from behind my smile and expose all of my wounds.  But I can't.  Whether it's pride, continued trust issues, or just how truly deep this mindset has been instilled within me, I cannot do it. 

And then I entered into a relationship with Christ.  A relationship that has required me to open up all of the "junk" to allow Him to take it.  A relationship that does not honor stoic "bravery", but honesty and vulnerability to be lifted up and made whole again.  Despite how easy it is for me to pray, and passionately express every ounce of what I'm feeling to HIM, there's a catch.  We're supposed to be open and honest with the body of Christ too.  James 5:16 "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed...."  I can't even begin to express to you guys how much I continuously struggle with this!  And oh the excuses.  "Well, my burdens don't seem to be as important as hers, I won't bother them with it."  "They don't need to know about that, I can just pray about it on my own."  "This is way too embarrassing to admit, God knows it anyway, so why bring it up?"  


I'm tired of the masks.  I'm tired of keeping everything restrained behind a flimsy depiction of what I think I should be.  I'm tired of being "good" "fine" "alright".  Because you know what?  I'm not.  I'm not fine.  I make an effort each and every day to genuinely find joy, to find something to be thankful for, but there are many times where at the moment I can't bring myself to smile.  I can't hide my puffy eyes behind concealer.  I can't hide the tears that are pouring out during church.  My heart is broken, and instead of hiding the pieces out of shame, I want to make an effort to allow them to be seen so just maybe I'll allow the help God is sending me to be put to use.  It's going to take work and a lot of intentional effort to answer questions honestly, and I might not at first, but I am going to.


Just another blind step in faith.