Mask (noun): something that serves to conceal or disguise.

I don't know about you, but I see a lot of people wearing masks every day.  Whether it's a mask of perfection, a mask of power and success, an impenetrable mask of toughness, and especially in the Christian circles of life, a mask of joy.  So many people living day-to-day being the people they feel others expect them to be.  And under no circumstance should those masks be removed!  Right?

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 13 years old.  My training runs deep when it comes to keeping up appearances.  Always look the other way, even if the giant elephant in the room is neon pink and dancing in your face.  I've always been taught to grin and bear it, and always do so with a smile so no one can see the anguish deep down.  It. is. exhausting.  Some days I find myself wanting to scream out from behind my smile and expose all of my wounds.  But I can't.  Whether it's pride, continued trust issues, or just how truly deep this mindset has been instilled within me, I cannot do it. 

And then I entered into a relationship with Christ.  A relationship that has required me to open up all of the "junk" to allow Him to take it.  A relationship that does not honor stoic "bravery", but honesty and vulnerability to be lifted up and made whole again.  Despite how easy it is for me to pray, and passionately express every ounce of what I'm feeling to HIM, there's a catch.  We're supposed to be open and honest with the body of Christ too.  James 5:16 "Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed...."  I can't even begin to express to you guys how much I continuously struggle with this!  And oh the excuses.  "Well, my burdens don't seem to be as important as hers, I won't bother them with it."  "They don't need to know about that, I can just pray about it on my own."  "This is way too embarrassing to admit, God knows it anyway, so why bring it up?"  


I'm tired of the masks.  I'm tired of keeping everything restrained behind a flimsy depiction of what I think I should be.  I'm tired of being "good" "fine" "alright".  Because you know what?  I'm not.  I'm not fine.  I make an effort each and every day to genuinely find joy, to find something to be thankful for, but there are many times where at the moment I can't bring myself to smile.  I can't hide my puffy eyes behind concealer.  I can't hide the tears that are pouring out during church.  My heart is broken, and instead of hiding the pieces out of shame, I want to make an effort to allow them to be seen so just maybe I'll allow the help God is sending me to be put to use.  It's going to take work and a lot of intentional effort to answer questions honestly, and I might not at first, but I am going to.


Just another blind step in faith.

Hope for the hopeless.

Just when I think things are getting too hard...  God shows me how He's taking care of it.

Just when it feels like things are hopeless...  God shows me hope, often in a way I was not expecting.

Just when I feel like I couldn't possibly go on...  God lifts me up in a way I never knew I needed.

I cry out to Him, I question whether or not He's there or even paying attention, my faith falls short day after day; and yet He's always given me peace, He's always been there, day after day despite everything I do to get in the way.

I can't pretend to know why He's putting me on this path, I may never know, but His peace and reassurance is given anew everyday.

God is so good friends.  God is good.

Praying with feeling.

I love the story of David.  He is by far one of my favorite people in the Bible.  I get him.  Even through those ancient words, I really feel like I understand his heart, and am wired very similarly myself.  He came from modest origins, was just up and anointed king by Samuel yet proceeded back to his sheep, he was forced on the run by a king turned crazy, but had faith in God's plan for him every step of the way.  He was far from perfect, but always sought to reconcile himself with his God.  Do I even need to bring up Goliath? 

But his heart!  I can just feel his anguish, I can feel his overwhelming joy, and his prayer life with God in a time before Jesus, before having the Holy Spirit in each of God's people.  THAT is what I love most about David.  So many Psalms just openly pouring out his love for his God, and I can feel everything behind every word.  I'm a very emotional, passionate person and the fact that one favored by God was the same way makes me feel a little less crazy.  I too have always poured my heart out before God, but when it was made aware to me that many people don't do this, I actually began to worry I was "doing prayer wrong".  I was still pretty new in my faith, and was still finding myself looking to others to show me how to be a "proper Christian", but I actually let it get to me.  Then I read through Samuel and 2 Samuel.  I read about David literally dancing for joy in the streets, I read how he sought out the remaining descendants of Saul specifically to show God's kindness to them, I read stories of how he would weep and fast, faced the consequences of his sins, yet would always praise the Lord with all his heart even when faced with unimaginable difficulties.  It all just resonated so clearly to me, and I felt I needed to take note of that.

I never want to know a prayer life that is any different.  I never want to grow ashamed of constantly crying to God, emptying my heart for Him to see, hiding absolutely nothing.  I trust Him with my pain, I thank Him for everything, and I LOVE my Lord with all my heart.  And now I leave you with a Psalm.  Psalm 138:

¹ I will praise you, Lord, with all my heart;
    before the “gods” I will sing your praise.
² I will bow down toward your holy temple
    and will praise your name
    for your unfailing love and your faithfulness,
for you have so exalted your solemn decree
    that it surpasses your fame.
³ When I called, you answered me;
    you greatly emboldened me.

⁴ May all the kings of the earth praise you, Lord,
    when they hear what you have decreed.
⁵ May they sing of the ways of the Lord,
    for the glory of the Lord is great.

⁶ Though the Lord is exalted, he looks kindly on the lowly;
    though lofty, he sees them from afar.
⁷ Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
    you preserve my life.
You stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes;
    with your right hand you save me.
⁸ The Lord will vindicate me;
    your love, Lord, endures forever—
    do not abandon the works of your hands.

Fellowship.

I must confess, I have always been that girl that's kind of strange.  In childhood I had my share of friends, but I was never popular.  I marched to the beat of my own drum, if you will.  The Internet was the most amazing invention for me because it allowed me to use my written words instead of my often jumbled speech to connect with people who feel the same way.  None of this has changed for me, but my needs and my beliefs have.  I had always underestimated the importance of having someone in your life you can count on to physically be there when you need them.  When I was first saved, I thought for sure I didn't have to share with anyone in my spiritual journey, because between God and myself we have this covered, right?    I've been shown day after day how very untrue that is.  So let me start from the beginning.

I have trust issues.  Pretty profound ones.  I feel it probably makes me come off as uninterested, cold, or maybe even snobbish; attributes I know I do not possess.  I have been severely hurt by people I have trusted through my life, and although I won't go into the details because it would make this blog post 5 pages long, just know I carry the hurt even to this day.  My current situation is not helping, but that's also another topic for another day.  The point is, my experiences have molded me into an introvert.  I have a very difficult time opening up to people I don't know, or don't know well.  Once I have learned to trust, or have someone I trust I feel I can rely on for support, it's no issue for me whatsoever, but until then, I clam up.  I've become very good at quietly watching, observing, and listening; something I am actually quite thankful I have learned, but I feel has been detrimental to building relationships. Although I am actually a very warm, caring person, I struggle to take that leap to start conversation, or introduce myself. 

With all that being said, I never knew just how important it was to have strong bonds with other people.  Especially in regards to faith and motherhood.  You know that saying "it takes a village" when it comes to parenting?  Oh man did I not understand just how true that is!  I also realized just how stagnant I had become in my spiritual journey when I wasn't going to church, or attending Bible study, or discussing anything with anyone.  Without fellowship, helping hands, people who care, people who will lift you up, people you can count on, life quickly becomes so very empty and fulfilling.  Through all of my struggles, I can't imagine being in the place I'm at now without the help of some seriously amazing women in my life. 

So,  in my year of stepping out in faith, I want to step out in faith and make fellowship more intentional.  I desperately need those relationships, and I have not been very good at allowing them to happen or to nurture the ones I already have.  One step that I am taking to achieve this is to (attempt) to attend the (in)RL conference.  To meet and connect with like-minded women in a completely vulnerable setting (although I do know some people going :) ) I know this isn't exactly a high-traffic blog, but in the off chance someone else reads this that hasn't seen it, I encourage you to register here to find a meeting spot near you! 

Even if you fall on your face, you're still moving forward.

2013.  December 31, 2012 was the edge of a cliff of impending doom, but here we are.  And mostly because I have no other choice, I will choose to continue moving forward and not let this break me.  So here it is, my word for the year.

Faith.

Faith is not my gift.  It is required of us as believers, after all how can there be belief without faith, yet I so often lack it.  Whether it's an unwillingness to relinquish control, or just another facet of my trust issues, faith is something I sincerely need to work on, and what a year to begin.  

This year I choose to step out in faith and believe, even when all seems impossible, God will provide.

This year I choose to have faith that God's plan really is good, even if the present moment doesn't feel like it.

This year I choose to have faith that I am loved, I am worthwhile, I am forgiven, I am saved, and I will be OK.

It is going to be hard.  In my weakness I know I will fail, and often, but I thank God for His grace in those moments.

I wish you all a very bonne année et bonne santé!

À quelque chose malheur est bon.

I haven't been able to find the words for too long now.  The words to describe what's going on in my life, how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking.  With all the words in the English language, I can't put together anything that seems to fit.  None of it seems strong enough.  I can tell you my life is being turned upside down.  The end result is something I'm unsure of.  I find myself sitting in wait once again clutching on to God's promise that He will guide me, He will lead me, and the path He puts me on will be for GOOD.  I've seen Him turn situations that seemed hopeless into a blessing, I can't imagine this to be any different. 

Until I can find the words, I leave you with ancient words that still ring true, because they are truth and life.

Matthew 6:25-34 25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]? 28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

Motherhood.

As with many things in life, despite the abundant research and even plenty of time spent watching and caring for children, nothing in the world could have prepared me for what actually being a mother is like.  I feel like my expectations were somewhere between the overly glamorized, happy, warm-fuzzies version and the frazzled, chaotic version seen in movies, commercials and plastered all over magazines and billboards.  While I envisioned this beautiful, perfect relationship I also feared the inconsolable child who never slept.  Turns out it's really quite a mix of both!  So often my heart is just ready to burst out of my chest with the amount of love I feel for that little girl, yet often in the same day I find myself tearfully begging her to PLEASE just sleep!  It's really not at all what I expected, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.

So I've done one for PCSing, how about the things I've learned about motherhood so far.

1. It is possible to shower in a minute.
2. It's amazing how well one can function on less than 3 hours of sleep.
3. There is very little you can't do with one hand, but it's usually that one thing that actually needs to be done.
4. The love you have for your husband can momentarily disappear when he wakes the baby after you finally got her to sleep after 2 hours of feeding, rocking and consoling.
5. You can go from requiring 6 meals a day while pregnant, to forgetting to eat at all in about a week.
6. No matter how independent or stubborn you are, receiving any and all help that is offered is key to survival.
7. You realize you had more confidence in your abilities as an adolescent than you do as mother.
8. Going anywhere is an event, and usually takes more time to get ready than it does to get to your destination.
9. You will get every bodily fluid known to man on your clothing, and you will truly stop caring.
10. Before having children you feel like you know NO ONE without a child, yet when you have a baby you suddenly feel like you know NO ONE who does.  (Or at least no one with babies)

It's hard.  It's exhausting.  It's emotionally, physically and spiritually taxing.  There is literally nothing in this world that could compare.  But in that same way, the smile that melts your heart, the extra snuggle that says you are so very loved and needed, the precious little life sleeping soundly in your arms, the way her eyes light up when she sees you; how can anything in the world compare that?  I love being a mother.  It is truly such an honor to have the chance to just ever so slightly mirror Christ by giving of myself for another.  I can feel myself being refined and molded in this journey, and I know that is never going to stop.  I'm just thankful to have a God willing to provide the strength, wisdom and grace needed to get through it!